{"id":3576,"date":"2012-04-29T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2012-04-29T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/what-not-to-do-after-an-affair\/"},"modified":"2020-05-11T20:48:47","modified_gmt":"2020-05-11T20:48:47","slug":"what-not-to-do-after-an-affair","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/what-not-to-do-after-an-affair\/","title":{"rendered":"What NOT To Do After An Affair"},"content":{"rendered":"

There is little less painful than witnessing the devastation people suffer in the wake of an affair.\u00a0 Handling it the wrong way, however, will most likely lead to the agony of a repeat offense.\u00a0 Here\u2019s what NOT<\/strong><\/em> to do after an affair:<\/p>\n

Stay Under The Same Roof<\/em><\/strong> \u2013 If you stay, or don\u2019t make the cheating spouse leave, they do not feel the depth of their pain about what they did.\u00a0 It may feel as though witnessing you in crushing pain is worse, but it is not.\u00a0 You are reactive and that gives their already twisted up logic a hook to hang the blame for their behavior on.\u00a0 Sitting alone in a dingy hotel room staring at blank walls and unable to see you or their kids whenever they want, allows the cheating spouse a clear view of the very real consequences for inappropriate behavior.<\/p>\n

Too Much Contact<\/em><\/strong> \u2013 I know you are hurting, but it is best not to reach out to them or answer calls\/texts\/emails unless it is absolutely necessary (i.e., the kids, bills, etc.).\u00a0 The person who hurt you is not the best person to comfort you.\u00a0 You are vulnerable and too susceptible to their manipulation in this wounded state.\u00a0 Also, when you engage with them about feelings, they are removed from their pain and fail to see themselves and their mistakes in full color.\u00a0 Allow them to hear the deafening silence; it will speak so much louder than any words you can say.<\/p>\n

Keep Their Secret<\/em><\/strong> \u2013 Because it is absolutely mortifying to find that your spouse has been with someone else, you may be hesitant to let others around you know what has happened.\u00a0 I\u2019m not suggesting that you take out a billboard, but people close to the family who know something is up, should be told the truth.\u00a0 Once again, by keeping their secret, you prevent them from suffering the natural consequences of their own actions \u2013 having to face their parents, children, neighbors, etc. and answer to them for their behavior.<\/p>\n

Not Hold Them Accountable<\/em><\/strong> \u2013 If you are trying to repair the relationship, you absolutely HAVE to hold them accountable.\u00a0 This means full disclosure \u2013 passwords, phone access, all accounts, credit reports, everything.\u00a0 If they refuse, then you need to re-evaluate how serious they are about stopping their behavior and committing to the relationship.\u00a0 Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.<\/p>\n

When you cower to their victim mentality or threats of leaving because you are \u201con their back\u201d, you are not being true to yourself.\u00a0 You deserve to be loved by someone that cares enough about you to want<\/strong><\/em> you to feel secure.\u00a0 If you feel like you have to conduct an archeological dig to find out the truth, something is broken in your relationship.\u00a0 If they are truly repentant, they will be an open book.<\/p>\n

Make It About You<\/em><\/strong> – This is an all too common mistake.\u00a0 It\u2019s humiliating to be cheated on, but please know it is not about you.\u00a0 They did not cheat because you are not good enough.\u00a0 Young, skinny, pretty women and handsome, good men get cheated on, too.\u00a0 When you let yourself get caught up in thinking that their cheating was because of you, you take the focus off of their bad behavior and put it on you \u2013 again taking them out of their pain and minimizing the amount of work they will be able to do on themselves.<\/p>\n

Let Them Pressure You <\/em><\/strong>\u00a0\u2013 Can we just go ahead and agree that if they were cheating on you, their judgment was already distorted? \u00a0\u00a0I\u2019ve heard these arguments coming out of the cheating spouses . . .\u201cHow can we work on our marriage if we\u2019re not living \u00a0together?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cHow long do I have to get beaten up about this?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cIf we can just have sex again, we\u2019ll be okay.\u201d\u00a0 They will try to use their illogical logic to convince you that your next move should be what is best for them<\/strong><\/em> not for you<\/strong><\/em>.\u00a0 The cheating spouse is the LAST<\/strong><\/em> person you should be looking to for guidance on what to do next.<\/p>\n

Not Insist That They Get Into Recovery<\/em><\/strong> \u2013 If you plan to work on the relationship, you simply must insist that with the help of a counselor they figure out what was going on inside of them that caused them to cheat.\u00a0 It could be sexual addiction, unresolved grief, not being in touch with their own needs, a victim mentality, or any number of things.\u00a0 If you want to salvage the relationship and not be the victim of a repeat offense, you need to insist that they keep working on themselves until they have a complete understanding why they did what they did.\u00a0 You need to work with a good therapist as well to help guide you through the grief.<\/p>\n

Whether you plan to continue working on the relationship or not, your spouse\u2019s recovery is in large part dependent upon what you do after you learn of the affair.\u00a0 Making these mistakes halts the natural course of events \u2013 pain.\u00a0 \u00a0Feeling pain is what drives people to really work on themselves.<\/p>\n

While I know it is much easier said than done, your actions need to be swift and severe.\u00a0 Their promises to not do it again will only go so far.\u00a0 You owe it to yourself to take action, and your partner\u2019s ability to learn and grow depends upon it!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There is little less painful than witnessing the devastation people suffer in the wake of an affair.\u00a0 Handling it the wrong way, however, will most likely lead to the agony of a repeat offense.\u00a0 Here\u2019s what NOT to do after an affair: Stay Under The Same Roof \u2013 If you stay, or don\u2019t make the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[19,20,21,25,18,17],"tags":[394,445,618,399,400,484],"class_list":["post-3576","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-abandonment","category-addiction","category-affairs","category-communication","category-marriage","category-relationships","tag-abandonment","tag-addiction","tag-affair","tag-affairs","tag-cheating","tag-separation"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3576","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3576"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3576\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4203,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3576\/revisions\/4203"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3576"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3576"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3576"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}