{"id":3597,"date":"2012-08-26T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2012-08-26T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/you-and-i-are-one\/"},"modified":"2020-05-11T20:48:49","modified_gmt":"2020-05-11T20:48:49","slug":"you-and-i-are-one","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/you-and-i-are-one\/","title":{"rendered":"You And I Are One. . ."},"content":{"rendered":"

And Two Shall Become One!<\/strong><\/em>\u00a0 This common belief in marriage is a great concept \u2013 unless there is a debate about who gets to be \u201cthe one\u201d!\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When this power struggle begins, codependence and counterdependence (unhealthy behaviors we talk about in therapy) begin to develop.\u00a0 I often see couples where over time the counterdependent person has gained all the power in the relationship, while the codependent person has given up most every aspect of themselves trying to please the other person.\u00a0 \u00a0Harville Hendrix aptly coined this dynamic as, \u201cYou and I are one \u2013 and I\u2019m the one!!\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

In this scenario, the counterdependent (I\u2019ll use \u201cHe\u201d only because it\u2019s more commonly men, but certainly not exclusively!) demands all the power in the relationship, and the codependent (She) gives up all of their power.\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0She does everything he asks, desperately trying to please him.\u00a0 Instead of achieving the harmony they are seeking, he is still unsatisfied and she is growingly more and more frustrated at not being able to please him.\u00a0 Her subconscious belief is that she can only satisfy herself if she satisfies him.\u00a0 The silent anger that is growing inside of her comes out in unhealthy and juvenile ways; cut-off, rage, criticism, control, cynicism, or other passive aggressive behaviors. \u00a0Her behavior pleases him even less, so they are further and further from their goal.<\/p>\n

This is not to say that a counterdependent is a selfish, power-hungry clod.\u00a0 Quite often the contrary is true . . . down deep he is really just an insecure little boy looking to be loved by his bride.\u00a0 He is, however, going about it in equally as juvenile a way with a belief that his way is the right way.\u00a0 When she questions his way, the insecure little boy inside of him is threatened.\u00a0 His response is to convince her that his way is right so that he will be good enough to be loved.\u00a0 The bigger his insecurities, the bigger his argument to sway her.\u00a0 The bigger her insecurities, the less of a fight she will put up and the more of herself she will give up.<\/p>\n

The net result is that he persuaded her to be more like him, but he still isn\u2019t happy.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 He doesn\u2019t really like himself that much.\u00a0 She gave everything she could to get his love, but still isn\u2019t happy.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 She doesn\u2019t really love herself.\u00a0 They both were looking for love but this cycle prompted them to love each other LESS, not more!<\/p>\n

How do you fix it?\u00a0 We can\u2019t really change these cycles unless we remove what is driving them in the first place!\u00a0 We must first start with learning to like and love ourselves before we start demanding that someone else do it.\u00a0 By demanding that someone else love us when we don\u2019t love ourselves is to ask the impossible!<\/strong><\/em> \u00a0Most of the couples that come into my office have been doing this same thing over and over again but expecting different results.\u00a0 \u00a0Try working first to like what you are asking your partner to like, then strive to love who you are before expecting your partner to love you!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

And Two Shall Become One!\u00a0 This common belief in marriage is a great concept \u2013 unless there is a debate about who gets to be \u201cthe one\u201d!\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When this power struggle begins, codependence and counterdependence (unhealthy behaviors we talk about in therapy) begin to develop.\u00a0 I often see couples where over time the counterdependent person […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[18],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3597","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-marriage"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3597","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3597"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3597\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4224,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3597\/revisions\/4224"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3597"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3597"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3597"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}