Last week I talked about enmeshment and how it causes fighting.\u00a0 Let me explain how codependence and counterdependence play into it creating a volcanic eruption in many relationships!!<\/p>\n
If you will remember, enmeshment is only achieved when people give up part of themselves in order to be in a relationship with the other person.\u00a0 The fighting comes when they are trying to get their needs met through<\/i> the other person and they can\u2019t.\u00a0 The needs will fight to get met. That\u2019s when you\u2019ll see a historically sweet, loving, giving codependent go postal on her self-centered, oblivious husband. (please excuse my use of gender this week, but that is typically how it plays out).<\/p>\n
Let me explain further . . .<\/p>\n
Two people (a codependent and a counterdependent) meet and fall in love.\u00a0 They enjoy the delicious, inseparable time that they spend together.\u00a0 They are both giving lavishly to one another.\u00a0 It feels AMAZING and they both want more.\u00a0 Let\u2019s understand that a codependent person is more others-focused and a countderdependent person is more self-focused.\u00a0 Here\u2019s how it plays out . . .<\/p>\n
Counterdependent. . .The counterdependent can set his self-focused nature aside for a short while because he wants the girl, but he can only hold it at bay for so long.\u00a0 His self-focused side will eventually surface, not because he\u2019s a bad person, but because it is the way he has traditionally gotten his needs met<\/i>.<\/p>\n
Codependent. . . The codependent is naturally more others-focused and gets her needs met off of meeting other people\u2019s needs.\u00a0 The problem is she unknowingly gives with a subconscious expectation of receiving something in return.\u00a0 Is she wrong to expect something in return?\u00a0 Not completely. But since this is the only way she knows how to get her needs met, she needs<\/i><\/b> the other person to give something back in return.\u00a0 It is her go-to method to get her needs met (Give unto others as you would have them give unto you.)<\/p>\n
Now watch this . . .The codependent has fallen in love with a guy who is loving and giving, she thinks this is a perfect scenario for her to get her needs met.\u00a0 She gives and gives and gives to make him happy naively thinking they both get their needs met the same way \u2013 by giving to the other.\u00a0 Once the counterdependent gets the girl, however, he settles in and begins to enjoy the love he\u2019s receiving and reverts back to being more self-focused.\u00a0 She gives, he takes.\u00a0 Understand, however, he doesn\u2019t detect there is a problem because the codependent is joyfully<\/i> giving to him.\u00a0 She is giving and giving and is building anticipation for the \u201cpayout\u201d she\u2019ll get back for all of her giving.\u00a0 It never comes.\u00a0 She notices he\u2019s not giving and may make a hint or two about it, but she dives back into \u201cher way\u201d and gives more hoping this time he\u2019ll spring into action.\u00a0 Her self-focused lover has no idea there is a problem because he feels loved and doesn\u2019t detect her growing anger. He assumes she must be getting her needs met as well.<\/p>\n
You can imagine (or maybe you\u2019ve lived) what happens next.\u00a0 The codependent gets angry (aggressively or passively, or both).\u00a0 Both are surprised at the level of resentment and anger that has been building silently for years<\/i>.\u00a0 Now all the common defense mechanisms enter the picture:\u00a0 defensiveness, blame, cross-complaining, cut-off, etc. and an all-out war ensues.<\/p>\n
Codependence and counterdependence are both unhealthy coping mechanisms and lead to mayhem in a relationship.\u00a0 It is easy to blame the counterdependent, but the codependent is equally to blame.\u00a0 It takes two to tango!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Last week I talked about enmeshment and how it causes fighting.\u00a0 Let me explain how codependence and counterdependence play into it creating a volcanic eruption in many relationships!! If you will remember, enmeshment is only achieved when people give up part of themselves in order to be in a relationship with the other person.\u00a0 The […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[18],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3684","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-marriage"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3684","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3684"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3684\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4310,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3684\/revisions\/4310"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3684"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3684"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3684"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}