{"id":3709,"date":"2014-02-02T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2014-02-02T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/why-couples-cant-communicate\/"},"modified":"2020-05-11T20:48:58","modified_gmt":"2020-05-11T20:48:58","slug":"why-couples-cant-communicate","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/why-couples-cant-communicate\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Couples Can’t Communicate"},"content":{"rendered":"

So many couples entering marriage counseling cite \u00a0communication as their chief complaint.\u00a0 The problem isn\u2019t that they can\u2019t communicate. \u00a0The problem is they have stopped communicating with each other.\u00a0 <\/i><\/strong>Here are some things we do that keep us from having productive communication. . . .<\/p>\n

Right Fighting<\/i><\/strong> – Some people just have a need<\/i> <\/strong>to be right.\u00a0 They will continue fighting, even in the face of overwhelming evidence that they are wrong, simply because they just can\u2019t tolerate not being the victor.<\/i><\/strong>\u00a0 Interestingly, it isn\u2019t even that satisfying when they win.\u00a0 If you are always right, then that means the people around you always have to be wrong.\u00a0 Sucks for them!<\/p>\n

Enmeshment<\/i> <\/strong>– \u00a0Enmeshment is basically when our emotions are all entangled with another person\u2019s.\u00a0 So when the other person feels a negative emotion, we don\u2019t feel okay.\u00a0 When they feel positive emotions, we feel okay.\u00a0 Example, I sense that you are feeling something and I need to change that so that I can feel okay.\u00a0 Do you see the problem?\u00a0 In order for me to feel okay, I\u2019ve got to get you to change what you are feeling to something that is acceptable to me.<\/i><\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s a big task because I really don\u2019t have any control over you!<\/p>\n

Kitchen Sinking<\/strong> –<\/i> When an argument breaks out, so often people just cannot resist the temptation to throw everything but the kitchen sink into the mix.\u00a0 You know what I mean \u2013 every unresolved complaint that had been lying dormant suddenly springs to the surface.\u00a0 This is a real problem because it is hard enough to deal with ONE problem in an argument, and now you have 10 problems on the table.\u00a0 And clearly you are not excellent at resolving conflict in your relationship, or you wouldn’t be reading this!<\/p>\n

Not Listening<\/strong> –<\/i> People have a deep need to be heard and understood.\u00a0 In our effort to be heard, however, most of us engage in a lot of behavior that counteracts our partner\u2019s ability to listen. Things like talking over each other, interrupting, constructing our defense instead of listening, storming out, name calling, cross-complaining, sarcastic jabs, yelling,<\/em> <\/strong>etc., show our partner that we are unwilling to hear them.\u00a0 Now both<\/i> <\/strong>people are trying so hard to be heard that nobody\u2019s listening!<\/p>\n

How should we communicate?\u00a0<\/i><\/strong><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Humility<\/strong>.<\/i>\u00a0 Look it up.\u00a0 Read about it.\u00a0 Understand it.\u00a0 Your need to be right has no place in a relationship. When you are wrong \u2013 admit it.\u00a0 Humbling yourself in this way to your partner is one of the greatest acts of love you will ever give your partner.\u00a0 And it doesn’t feel as bad as you think it will!<\/li>\n
  2. One. Issue. At. A. Time.<\/i><\/strong>\u00a0 Resist the temptation to bring old arguments to the table.\u00a0 If your partner introduces a new issue in the middle of another, gently redirect them back to the original topic.\u00a0 You\u2019ll be lucky<\/i> <\/strong>to get the one issue dealt with.<\/li>\n
  3. De-Enmesh<\/i><\/strong> – Stop trying to change what your partner feels.\u00a0 The real problem is your anxiety and you are dealing with it through<\/strong> <\/em>your partner.\u00a0 Figure out what your anxiety is about and deal with that<\/strong><\/em>.\u00a0 Then<\/i> <\/strong>deal with your partner\u2019s feelings.<\/li>\n
  4. Listen<\/strong> – You have to stop trying to be heard and start trying to hear.<\/strong><\/i>\u00a0 Forget about past hurts and misdeeds (not forever, just for now) and listen<\/i><\/strong>.\u00a0 \u00a0Once you show your partner you are willing to hear them, they will be more willing to hear you.\u00a0 Don\u2019t begrudge having to go first.\u00a0 Just do it and see what happens!<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

     <\/p>\n

    [su_youtube url=”https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=oJnkde03kb8″]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    So many couples entering marriage counseling cite \u00a0communication as their chief complaint.\u00a0 The problem isn\u2019t that they can\u2019t communicate. \u00a0The problem is they have stopped communicating with each other.\u00a0 Here are some things we do that keep us from having productive communication. . . . Right Fighting – Some people just have a need to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[25,18,17],"tags":[628,1196,522,644,536,424,396,960,830,1166,1197,407,430,1198,524,777],"class_list":["post-3709","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-communication","category-marriage","category-relationships","tag-arguments","tag-communicate-like-we-used-to","tag-communication","tag-conflict","tag-conflict-in-marriage","tag-counseling","tag-divorce","tag-divorce-busting","tag-healthy-communication","tag-how-to-communicate","tag-how-to-get-heard","tag-indianapolis-marriage-counseling","tag-relationships","tag-spouse","tag-why-cant-we-communicate","tag-why-do-we-fight"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3709","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3709"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3709\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4335,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3709\/revisions\/4335"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3709"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3709"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3709"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}