![\"communication-issues-thats-all\"](\"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/03\/communication-issues-thats-all.jpg\")
<\/p>\nCommunication<\/p>\n
“I know he doesn’t care….it doesn’t matter if he says he does!”<\/p>\n
Many times a week, couples will say they\u00a0are having communication issues. When I probe deeper,\u00a0asking the question about conflict and how often the couple argues, the answer is usually “Oh, we never fight, I mean we don’t yell or anything, we just have trouble communicating.” Or sometimes the answer is, “I can’t say anything without it turning into a huge argument!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Either way, couples decide there is a communication issue. Communicating is not the only\u00a0issue.\u00a0The \u00a0issue is not\u00a0being able to be understood and have your needs met.\u00a0Therefore,\u00a0problems remain unresolved whether you are a fighter or a non-communicator.<\/p>\n
My client “Mary”\u00a0describes\u00a0her partner as\u00a0being unempathetic\u00a0or cold, showing little concern for her needs. She describes her husband as\u00a0expressionless, cold, and translates this as\u00a0not caring about her issues or her feelings.\u00a0Mary tends\u00a0to translate her worth or value of her concerns with her husband’s response or lack of response. Mary doesn’t feel a connection to her husband when he doesn’t share his feelings. She\u00a0then moves on from the topic she wished to discuss, into feeling abandonment,\u00a0guilt, shame, and maybe other negative feelings about herself.\u00a0The connection\u00a0Mary is desperately\u00a0seeking is affecting her ability\u00a0or inability to have her needs met.\u00a0Mary feels hurt, shut down, and resentful, then finds herself in a similar situation several times in her marriage throughout the month.<\/p>\n
Mary\u00a0is\u00a0making an\u00a0assumption about herself, the importance of her issues, and her husband’s intentions. Based on her expectations, Mary is\u00a0unable\u00a0to have her needs met by her husband.\u00a0In session, she asks how her husband could love her when he\u00a0doesn’t\u00a0respond to her with emotion.\u00a0She feels jealous, insecure, and envious when she sees him\u00a0laughing or smiling when interacting with others.\u00a0Perhaps there is something\u00a0going on\u00a0within Mary. Her husband clearly is closing down\u00a0when Mary needs him. It would be a mistake in understanding\u00a0anything about Mary’s husband if we just label him as a jerk, unfeeling coward. He\u00a0is not those things. He is clearly capable of some emotion, but the interaction in the marriage is not expressive of that to Mary.<\/p>\n
When Mary believes and trusts what she is feeling, she will be\u00a0a little less reactive, blaming, and shaming to her husband when she needs him.\u00a0Being critical with a smile on your face still feels like criticism. After years of being reminded how disappointed Mary is in her husband, her husband doesn’t have any other\u00a0response except defensiveness, that is why he seems cold or shut down, he’s being protective of himself from her\u00a0criticism.\u00a0Sharing when you trust and believe in yourself diminishes\u00a0some of the alienating feelings your spouse could have around your criticism.\u00a0Strong feelings around heated topics can escalate either into huge arguments or intense shut down or cut-off, leaving spouses feeling abandoned. Either way, it is not merely a communication issue, but a matter of self-worth, childhood woundings replaying over again, and managing intimacy in a marriage that will always have ups and downs.<\/p>\n
![\"communication-issues-thats-all-2\"](\"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/03\/communication-issues-thats-all-2.jpg\")
Mary often points to her husband as causing her pain, when Mary is the one who is the most\u00a0powerful in re-enacting her childhood pain with her husband. She comes from a \u00a0background where she experienced negative body image issues,\u00a0perfectionism, and shame due to her family issues. Although\u00a0she felt loved by her family, she cannot remain on a\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 solid\u00a0platform\u00a0that allows her to trust her own feelings without validation from her husband. Simply stated\u00a0while working on your own issues and understanding your partner,\u00a0even the most painful circumstances can bring about\u00a0challenging opportunities. Because no situation is about anyone else except you. It\u00a0is the only person\u00a0you can change.\u00a0If your partner is built or wired a certain way that is challenging for you it doesn’t mean you can tell them to change.\u00a0The lesson\u00a0is to work out your inner struggles, then your\u00a0communication\u00a0will become\u00a0strengthened. You will carry yourself as trustworthy and safe!\u00a0When you are\u00a0challenged, see it as an opportunity to learn about yourself. After all, you chose your opponent!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Communication “I know he doesn’t care….it doesn’t matter if he says he does!” Many times a week, couples will say they\u00a0are having communication issues. When I probe deeper,\u00a0asking the question about conflict and how often the couple argues, the answer is usually “Oh, we never fight, I mean we don’t yell or anything, we just […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[32],"tags":[394,509,473,396,407,477,595,480,429,483,486],"class_list":["post-3730","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-marital-therapy","tag-abandonment","tag-communicaiton-issues","tag-dating","tag-divorce","tag-indianapolis-marriage-counseling","tag-insecurity","tag-jealousy","tag-marital-counseling","tag-marriage","tag-self-worth","tag-trust"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3730","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/9"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3730"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3730\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4355,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3730\/revisions\/4355"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3730"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3730"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3730"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}