{"id":3732,"date":"2012-03-09T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2012-03-09T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/he-wont-change-she-wont-change\/"},"modified":"2020-05-11T20:48:59","modified_gmt":"2020-05-11T20:48:59","slug":"he-wont-change-she-wont-change","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/he-wont-change-she-wont-change\/","title":{"rendered":"He won’t change! She won’t change!"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"he-she-wont-change-1\"On a recent trip, I looked out the window of my airplane seat\u00a0and noticed fluffy white clouds and a clear blue sky.\u00a0Below the\u00a0massive\u00a0clouds were cities covered in darkness.\u00a0I noticed that from my vantage point,\u00a0the day was clear, blue and sunny.\u00a0From below the clouds, the sky above the city was dark, stormy, and probably windy.\u00a0Perspective is our reality, each person has a perspective that colors and filters their world. After several months of therapy,\u00a0one client asked me\u00a0“will it always feel this hopeless?” The same client usually asks me, “well, what am\u00a0I supposed to do?”\u00a0\u00a0The work of a therapist is to show the clarity\u00a0that lies\u00a0beyond\u00a0the darkness or hopeless feelings.\u00a0Clarity and appreciation for painful life circumstances is difficult to see when\u00a0your partner is suffering from sexual addiction, is disconnected, has abandonment, shame, or has had an affair. It is hard for you\u00a0to see these circumstances as beneficial in your recovery when\u00a0you’re\u00a0in severe pain. The perspective often seems bleak and dismal.
\nThe work\u00a0towards recovery is to recognize that\u00a0you cannot always see what lies below or outside the clouds. In this case, the clouds are\u00a0your mental filter or your pain. Much like the atmosphere I experienced during my flight, your emotional background\u00a0“clouds” or alters your perspective, your reality, your judgement of life and adds filters to how you see your significant other. Seeing your reality from one perspective, limits your ability to see the light from another perspective. It leaves you in a dark, cloudy place.<\/p>\n

\"he-she-wont-change-2\"<\/p>\n

During group session this past week a client asked,\u00a0“Why should I do the therapy if he isn’t committed?” Marriage counseling is not about the “relationship” or the “marriage” all of the time…..therapy is\u00a0about the individuals inside the relationship. The relationship is the outer core that provides definition to the two people who have been together, sharing intimacy on several levels, much like the earth is part of a larger universe. Or like a car with working parts. If something is wrong with your car, you don’t throw out the entire car and buy a different one, or tell yourself, “Well, the car isn’t working, I guess I need another car.” You take the\u00a0car\u00a0to a mechanic for a\u00a0check up to pinpoint the part of the car that is causing the malfunction. Sometimes the malfunction involves several parts and pieces that need adjusting. Marital therapy is the same way….two people who are complex systems, entering into a relationship, who have baggage from their backgrounds, enter into a system of a relationship. Whatever is not working, needs to be checked out. The correct or right answer does not exist, until the work has been done to understand the truth about who you are and why you see life as you do, then this is shared with your significant other. This means sharing all of who you are, the good, the bad, the ugly to one another, and not just focusing on the “bad” behavior that brought you to therapy. One goal is to learn\u00a0about your reactions and emotions to\u00a0your relationship’s challenges. These are the\u00a0opportunities that arrive at your doorstep so you can learn about yourself through your\u00a0pain, even when you know there are\u00a0no guarantees. Being married and having a piece of paper that says you are married, does\u00a0NOT provide a guarantee of loyalty, love, trust, and unconditional love.\u00a0It is only an intention. There aren’t\u00a0marriage police officers\u00a0that come by\u00a0to check up on you to see if you are being a good wife or husband. Relationships cause pain and take a lot of work. Being in recovery\u00a0means understanding that the world can be a painful place, that all people have issues, and you might get stung.\u00a0Instead of becoming reactive and bitter, you can have your needs met if you could\u00a0understand your reactions and learn more about yourself.\u00a0You can become more loving and accepting of yourself and others, even in the midst of painful circumstances. This journey\u00a0requires work\u00a0and patience, with tolerance for discomfort while facing the unknown.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

On a recent trip, I looked out the window of my airplane seat\u00a0and noticed fluffy white clouds and a clear blue sky.\u00a0Below the\u00a0massive\u00a0clouds were cities covered in darkness.\u00a0I noticed that from my vantage point,\u00a0the day was clear, blue and sunny.\u00a0From below the clouds, the sky above the city was dark, stormy, and probably windy.\u00a0Perspective is […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[32],"tags":[394,618,437,469,576,396,490,580,407,408,479,429,447,482,444,484,436,485],"class_list":["post-3732","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-marital-therapy","tag-abandonment","tag-affair","tag-change","tag-communication-issues","tag-depression","tag-divorce","tag-fighting","tag-guilt","tag-indianapolis-marriage-counseling","tag-infidelity","tag-love","tag-marriage","tag-marriage-counseling","tag-relationship-issues","tag-respect","tag-separation","tag-shame","tag-therapy"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3732","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/9"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3732"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3732\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4357,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3732\/revisions\/4357"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3732"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3732"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3732"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}