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<\/p>\n“So, what happens next? How does my abandonment work in my marriage?”\u00a0What happens next is our defenses kick into high gear. As adults, in our relationships, we can feel enraged,\u00a0jealous, insecure, uncertain, anxious, and then blame something or someone outside of ourselves for our pain. Of course, people do a nice job of providing the abandoning trigger which becomes\u00a0the focus. The spotlight is on the action or activity instead of\u00a0on our feelings and our reactions.\u00a0“But how does this happen without our knowing?”\u00a0\u00a0There’s a clever commercial about data backup for\u00a0electronic files where a marriage is about to take place. The couple is bewildered, expressing looks of confusion and uncertainty. The back of the get away car says, “Just Lost Everything” instead of just married. Grandma and mom are in the bridal suite smiling away at the glowing bride as each one says to her, “You’re gonna lose everything!” Instead of saying, “You’re going to be happy!”\u00a0 Finally, as the ceremony is about to begin, a man throws open the chapel doors and screams, “You’re gonna lose your FILES!”<\/p>\n
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As a therapist, I can’t tell you how many parallels I saw between this commercial and people seeking\u00a0help with marital issues.\u00a0I’m sure that was the intention from the creators. This commercial\u00a0could have just as easily been about many of my clients who come in seeking help\u00a0after feeling severely\u00a0abandoned in their marriage! \u00a0Of course, the couple has no idea or connection to the concepts that lead the marriage to this path.\u00a0How could they? They are enmeshed, in love, and could not imagine this could happen in their relationship. Now, I am not trying to kill the romantic idea of love,\u00a0but I am attempting to have a healthier discussion about what is real, sustaining love for the long haul that endures and encourages personal growth.<\/p>\n
Unfortunately, for the person who believes they get a clean slate when they grow up and fall in love is in for the surprise of their life.\u00a0Our lifetime issues follow us into intimate relationships. Fortunately, for those who feel disturbed by their past, there is\u00a0a level of acceptance that there is NOT a clean slate when you grow up and fall in love. Either way, the truth of abandonment is that there is NO clean slate for anyone. Not until there is a true appreciation for where you have been and who you have become.<\/p>\n
If you read part one of abandonment,\u00a0you have a bit of an understanding of how\u00a0abandonment feelings are\u00a0created in your life. What this looks like in current life, as an adult, is different and varies for each person. How\u00a0abandonment might be presenting itself in your marriage is through\u00a0raging, projected anger, frustration, disappointment, jealousy, or insecurity.\u00a0What happens next is\u00a0emotional walls go up, because of the triggering of\u00a0uncomfortable feelings. Couples may cut-off and distance themselves from one another due to the uncomfortable feelings or avoidance of conflict or pain. Walls are an interesting phenomenon. Again, these\u00a0“walls”\u00a0can look different for different people. Someone might have a smile plastered to their face for fear\u00a0of upsetting a\u00a0family member. Nonetheless, the plastic smile is painfully visible to others.<\/p>\n
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<\/div>\nThe person who is triggering the abandonment may very well have\u00a0conducted themselves in a way that allows their partner to feel justification\u00a0for mistrusting, feeling insecure, etc.\u00a0People do a nice job of providing the abandoning trigger with affairs, addictions, and in some cases, actually abandoning the marriage\u00a0by moving out. \u00a0Is the abandonment real and happening? Yes, it is absolutely happening! What is empowering is to remember that\u00a0the abandoning feelings belong to the person feeling the abandonment and\u00a0not the person triggering the feeling.\u00a0The “guilty” party responsible for the trigger\u00a0is responding to a situation based on their knowledge and emotional issues. They are unhealthy too in their own way. You\u00a0happen to be in the cross-hairs, because you chose this person to be an intimate partner.\u00a0This may\u00a0not seem fair, kind, or loving.\u00a0We are raised to believe that the goal in life is to avoid pain in life and negative experiences by being a good person and living a good life.\u00a0This is unrealistic.\u00a0This is not possible in life. If you are a good person, you cannot avoid life experiences where you are going to be\u00a0betrayed. This thought process also teaches that it is okay\u00a0to judge or blame your spouse for\u00a0betraying or\u00a0hurting you.\u00a0This is how you justify\u00a0emotional cut-off and more abandonment\u00a0is created for yourself and the “guilty” party.\u00a0The spouse who has conducted themselves in this abandonment triggering way is also suffering from intimacy issues and does not know how to be\u00a0feel connected. Thus, this re-creates\u00a0abandonment for yourself and others in your family.<\/p>\n
Affairs, emotional cut-off, addictions, shaming, blaming, controlling, are all triggers for the childhood abandonment to resurface at full force! If you are someone who has been expressing or experiencing these behaviors, then you can probably relate but\u00a0never understood why or how this dance was happening in your marriage.<\/p>\n
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To break this cycle for yourself, your\u00a0spouse and your children, get in touch with your childhood beliefs, feelings, and experiences!\u00a0Unless the hurt\u00a0is\u00a0revealed and known, the pain cannot be healed.\u00a0The\u00a0issue cannot be addressed. You\u00a0\u00a0cannot heal what you do not know about yourself. Without the healing, you will continue to recreate the painful experiences in the complex dance you do with the people who share your intimate world.<\/p>\n