{"id":3750,"date":"2013-04-07T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-04-07T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/i-dont-feel-appreciated\/"},"modified":"2020-05-11T20:49:01","modified_gmt":"2020-05-11T20:49:01","slug":"i-dont-feel-appreciated","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/i-dont-feel-appreciated\/","title":{"rendered":"“I don’t feel APPRECIATED!”"},"content":{"rendered":"

The definition of appreciation is\u00a0“Recognition of the quality, value, significance, or magnitude of people and things.”\u00a0 (http:\/\/www.thefreedictionary.com\/appreciation<\/a>. \u00a0April, 2013) <\/big><\/span><\/p>\n

The definition of\u00a0\u00a0approval is “to provide consideration that is right or good, to endorse support.” Both sound like positive influences, right?\u00a0The two words seem similar, but approval is no more similar to appreciation, as fear is to courage when it comes to co-dependency, marital issues, and other emotional challenges. In fact,\u00a0they are\u00a0quite different. I can appreciate someone’s need to smoke cigarettes, but I do not approve of smoking, because it makes me sick. Also, I can appreciate the ability of\u00a0farmers\u00a0harvesting animals for my nourishment, but I couldn’t do it. I don’t disapprove, but I appreciate\u00a0it. \u00a0<\/big><\/span><\/p>\n

In intimate relationships, having an appreciation for\u00a0a person’s intrinsic value, regardless of what they do or don’t do is significant.<\/big><\/strong><\/em>\u00a0If Allen\u00a0is upset with Arlene for not recognizing that he\u00a0did the laundry and took out the trash, then he is seeking her approval of a task he completed, not appreciation. Her appreciation for Allen as her husband is much deeper than simple approval. Many times appreciation is substituted for approval seeking. Allen might say, “You don’t\u00a0appreciate me.”\u00a0\u00a0<\/big><\/span><\/p>\n

This is an important statement and requires more \u00a0investigation. As a therapist, I hear this often.\u00a0What each person is actually\u00a0saying is, “I don’t feel value.”\u00a0 Allen\u00a0has replaced his self value<\/span> for\u00a0her approval.<\/em>\u00a0 The reason? The hope is Allen will continue to do the work to\u00a0understand\u00a0his reason(s) for when and\u00a0why he has made this choice in his life.\u00a0If he can become aware of the cornerstone purpose, then he will be able to change this within himself. His approval seeking has become\u00a0a cycle in the marriage and he has\u00a0lost himself to “doing” in order to feel valued.\u00a0Approval seeking takes away the capacity for someone to feel\u00a0appreciation for themselves and appreciation for others. This is IMPORTANT! All people have value, intrinsically, regardless of what they do or don’t do.<\/big><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0What does your stamp of approval look like?<\/big><\/strong>
\nUnderstanding the difference between approval and appreciation can help you understand yourself and your relationship with others. Specifically, with your partner. Do you often feel like you didn’t receive the approval you were looking for? Were you actually\u00a0looking for appreciation? Is there a gnawing feeling of loss and loneliness when you’re expecting something after you completed a request from your partner? Sometimes what ties us into a relationship is the approval seeking; wanting an internal sense of value to fill our heart from an outside source. Once the outside world becomes the source of approval, your internal connection and external connection to others suffers.<\/big><\/span><\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/span><\/div>\n
It’s important to learn, understand, and grow from the intense\u00a0disappointment that comes from not receiving approval.\u00a0Giving over your value to the outside world requires not having boundaries within yourself. Therefore, seeking approval comes at a high price.\u00a0This is the reason Allen is feeling\u00a0under valued or not valued at all.\u00a0If \u00a0your value comes from\u00a0approval, instead of self-appreciation and appreciation for your spouse, then\u00a0love is no longer a gift and changes daily based on the whims and opinions\u00a0of others.<\/strong><\/em> This a daily burden that carries with it a\u00a0constant neediness. If it’s not your partner you’re seeking approval from, then whoever your “value maker” might be is the one you need to focus on less….hopefully you’ll feel the calling to love yourself well. Heal thyself, seek courage from\u00a0within and\u00a0work from a place of trust within your self. Build up\u00a0YOUR level of appreciation, in the truest meaning of the word. Build upon\u00a0your appreciation for yourself.<\/em>\u00a0<\/strong>Trust in your intrinsic value and that of others\u00a0within the brokenness. \u00a0<\/big>\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0<\/span><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The definition of appreciation is\u00a0“Recognition of the quality, value, significance, or magnitude of people and things.”\u00a0 (http:\/\/www.thefreedictionary.com\/appreciation. \u00a0April, 2013) The definition of\u00a0\u00a0approval is “to provide consideration that is right or good, to endorse support.” Both sound like positive influences, right?\u00a0The two words seem similar, but approval is no more similar to appreciation, as fear is […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[15,30,32,36,1],"tags":[394,661,399,466,1287,1288,452,468,509,576,1083,474,396,475,476,578,490,450,407,480,512,483,436,658,485],"class_list":["post-3750","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-family-counseling","category-individual-therapy","category-marital-therapy","category-self-help","category-uncategorized","tag-abandonment","tag-addictions","tag-affairs","tag-anxiety","tag-appreciation","tag-approval","tag-approval-seeking","tag-co-dependency","tag-communicaiton-issues","tag-depression","tag-desire","tag-disconnect","tag-divorce","tag-emotional-affairs","tag-emotional-issues","tag-family","tag-fighting","tag-grief","tag-indianapolis-marriage-counseling","tag-marital-counseling","tag-self-abandonment","tag-self-worth","tag-shame","tag-stress","tag-therapy"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3750","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/9"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3750"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3750\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4374,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3750\/revisions\/4374"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3750"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3750"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3750"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}