{"id":3757,"date":"2014-01-10T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2014-01-10T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/enmeshment\/"},"modified":"2020-05-11T20:49:02","modified_gmt":"2020-05-11T20:49:02","slug":"enmeshment","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/enmeshment\/","title":{"rendered":"Enmeshment"},"content":{"rendered":"

Growing up, my parents were my whole world. Their approval and reactions to my choices mattered the most. Eventually, my school teachers and friends joined my circle of intimacy. As a little girl, the approval of others helped mold my life choices. Pretty standard for a little kid. Enmeshment was normal for me, as it is for all children.\u00a0However, enmeshment does not work in adulthood.\u00a0Being a child has different requirements than adulthood. Enmeshment is not a healthy answer to understanding yourself or others.<\/p>\n

What is enmeshment anyway? This word is used to describe behaviors that appear between couples or family members who risk losing their own identity by\u00a0overly investing\u00a0in another person.\u00a0The struggle isn’t obvious or have\u00a0negative connotations.\u00a0Enmeshment can occur for years, beginning in childhood and last into adulthood. It is the opposite of self-differentiation.\u00a0My parents taught me that going to college was the only option after high school. This enmeshment was okay with me as\u00a0a child who needed guidance.\u00a0I didn’t have\u00a0negative experiences with my parents’\u00a0educational choices. But, I didn’t entertain possibly not going to college. A small price, in my opinion. Enmeshment can be negative and positive, depending on the relationship. But it can cause\u00a0an inability\u00a0to self-differentiate.\u00a0The experience of losing oneself\u00a0in personal relationships has\u00a0negative effects.\u00a0The gift of attempting to not enmesh and remain interdependent is gaining an understanding of your self, fully. To remain at the mercy of another person’s definition is a personal\u00a0loss.\u00a0Learning from your enmeshment helps you know\u00a0who you are and gain trust in your own identity.<\/p>\n

Enmeshment begins with childhood fears of rejection or abandonment. The response to this fear is the “enmeshing” decision. In negative enmeshment, there is the\u00a0exchange of\u00a0critical words,\u00a0defensiveness,\u00a0and a\u00a0deep involvement and investment in continuing to fight and argue.\u00a0If you\u00a0feel that you have to defend yourself constantly\u00a0or provide reassurances to your spouse regularly then you are enmeshed. In a more positive or affirming experience, you may be rewarded for rescuing someone in an emotional struggle. The person may feel\u00a0grateful\u00a0for the relief, but actually experience limited personal growth. In the moment, this feels positive.\u00a0Either way,\u00a0it is the choice to be overly involved with another, losing your sense of self. This is\u00a0unhealthy for both people.\u00a0It is merely\u00a0a defense to control the other person’s behaviors. This is not based\u00a0in a healthy need,\u00a0but might fit the dynamics of an enmeshed\u00a0relationship. This decision\u00a0is made instantly if there is a sense of\u00a0impending abandonment. Abandonment that might be emotional or physical. This dependency is normal in childhood. In adult relationships, it is our personal responsibility to notice\u00a0when we betray our voice and trade-in our\u00a0ability to choose other options. Enmeshment can kick into high gear, allowing\u00a0fears to gain dominance in decision making during parenting or in intimate relationships.\u00a0Enmeshing feels comforting at first, but in the long run leads to frustration and abandonment. Why? Because the choice was not based in what you or another person truly\u00a0needed. It isn’t gaining a real\u00a0resolution to an issue.\u00a0It is a mistake in judgment that is\u00a0fear based instead of healthy need based. Enmeshing\u00a0can lead to more strife, anger, mistrust, and blaming.\u00a0The\u00a0emotional distress eventually does cause break downs\u00a0in the relationship.\u00a0Enmeshing can feel controlling and\u00a0over bearing, which contributes to more cut-off and abandonment experiences as the other person tries to pull away. The purpose of enmeshing\u00a0eventually comes to the surface over and over again if the original issue is not addressed.<\/div>\n

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There are so many ways that people overly identify with\u00a0a spouse or family member.\u00a0Enmeshment in parenting can look like “helicopter” parents. Or parents who wish to be\u00a0“friends” with children.\u00a0Limited consequences and boundaries are the patterns and eventually children do not trust themselves or understand personal responsibility. Enmeshment could be occurring n this case when parents have a perceived\u00a0fear\u00a0of being rejected\u00a0or abandoned by their children as they grow.<\/p>\n

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In the honey moon phase of dating or marriage, enmeshment allows\u00a0blinders, so that people\u00a0remain\u00a0oblivious to\u00a0emotional issues in order to stay together. Being a human being means\u00a0being flawed and imperfect. Once enmeshment wears off,\u00a0both people reveal a more\u00a0true self to one another.\u00a0It is during this time that enmeshment occurs for both parties\u00a0because the desire to remain in the fantasy phase of the relationship feels better than the real person they find next to them.\u00a0This helps to maintain\u00a0a false sense of security.\u00a0Learning a healthy tolerance for flawed intimacy and brokenness helps discourage enmeshing.\u00a0Self-differentiation feels much better and allows a more solid relationship for the long haul. Why? Because self-differentiation can allow for\u00a0real resolution through\u00a0truth.<\/p>\n

If your sense of who you are is defined\u00a0by judgments or actions of others, then you are experiencing enmeshment. Over investment in others and less investment in yourself.\u00a0Maintaining an understanding of your needs, separate from others, and having appropriate boundaries can help you maintain\u00a0a steady and healthy\u00a0relationship with yourself and then others.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Growing up, my parents were my whole world. Their approval and reactions to my choices mattered the most. Eventually, my school teachers and friends joined my circle of intimacy. As a little girl, the approval of others helped mold my life choices. Pretty standard for a little kid. Enmeshment was normal for me, as it […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":3758,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[15,30,32,36,1],"tags":[1321,1080,487,911,912,624,402,469,997,814,396,1322,646,404,879,1323,450,1324,1325,407,641,479,447,1326,1327,482,718,534,484,436],"class_list":["post-3757","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-family-counseling","category-individual-therapy","category-marital-therapy","category-self-help","category-uncategorized","tag-abandonement","tag-adult-chidlren-of-alcoholics","tag-arguing","tag-carmel-couples-counseling","tag-carmel-marriage-counseling","tag-childhood-issues","tag-codependency","tag-communication-issues","tag-compassion","tag-defensiveness","tag-divorce","tag-emotional-help","tag-empathy","tag-enmeshment","tag-family-issues","tag-fears-of-being-left","tag-grief","tag-helpful-therapy","tag-honey-moon-stage","tag-indianapolis-marriage-counseling","tag-loss","tag-love","tag-marriage-counseling","tag-paranoia","tag-reality","tag-relationship-issues","tag-relationship-repair","tag-self-differentiation","tag-separation","tag-shame"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3757","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/9"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3757"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3757\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4381,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3757\/revisions\/4381"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3758"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3757"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3757"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3757"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}