![\"sitting-at-train-stop\"](\"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/sitting-at-train-stop-300x200.jpg\")
<\/p>\nDealing with someone you love who feels distant, uncommitted, and is possibly having an affair can be gut wrenching and painful. The sting of \u00a0betrayal, the lousy levels\u00a0of intimacy, and the all around detachment is the last thing you thought you would end up with, especially when you told yourself you weren\u2019t\u00a0going to be one of those women \u201cwho got walked all over and abandoned.\u201d\u00a0 You told yourself\u00a0that you would remain independent, support yourself as best as possible, because you knew all\u00a0too well the pitfalls of a man who doesn\u2019t REALLY love you. Or are you the more patient type, saying to yourself, \u201cI was taught to love him through it and I will stay\u201d but the whole time you\u2019re feeling victimized, praying for mercy. This may have well been one of your greatest fears\u2026.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Does this sound\u00a0like you? Are you relating to the situation?\u00a0Couples\u00a0going through\u00a0scary and challenging times in their relationships often ask, \u201cIs therapy\u00a0\u00a0 really\u00a0worth it? Is he going to be worth all the work I have to do if he\u2019s just going to keep cheating or remain uncommitted?\u201d\u00a0\u00a0One spouse states,\u00a0\u201cI\u2019m going to keep\u00a0 coming even if she doesn\u2019t, because I see the benefit\u00a0 of what I\u2019m\u00a0learning here.\u201d This particular case is around a spouse who is having a tough time allowing herself to feel the emotions of her painful and abandoning childhood, so she\u00a0attends sessions more sporadically, while her husband attends regularly. The preceding case involves addictions\u00a0with Internet porn, sex-ting, and emotional affairs. The husband\u2019s\u00a0vague\u00a0and\u00a0dishonest\u00a0responses to\u00a0his\u00a0wife\u2019s constant questioning about\u00a0nude photos of\u00a0his female friends drives his wife to the edge, leaving her further isolated, desperate, and void of affection, like a starved dog.<\/p>\n
What becomes clear in the counseling sessions are the family backgrounds that have influenced the break of intimacy this couple and many couples come to face in marriage. What therapy provides is a clearer picture of truth about who each person is in the marriage, rather than just a \u201ccheater\u201d and a \u201cvictim.\u201d The music and dance that the couple is performing is perfectly orchestrated by their childhood and current life situations.\u00a0One desperate to get away and the other desperate to be closer. When each person in a relationship is resigned to desperation, feelings of abandonment, betrayal, cut-off, lack of affection, lack of being understood, and\u00a0of belonging are fiercely triggered.\u00a0Basic needs are not being met. Eventually, someone will respond as best as they know how, which may cause pain for the other. These basic, core\u00a0needs are similar to our younger, childlike needs, which are crucial to our survival. So the painful dance between the two\u00a0continues and progresses,\u00a0however viciously and disconnected, recreating the feelings of our past and\u00a0become\u00a0expressed and\u00a0real in our present. This is often followed with\u00a0anxiety, panic attacks, shame, guilt, addictions, pain numbing behaviors, or emotional and physical cut-off, and sometimes abusive behaviors. Once these types of behaviors are occurring, gaining clarity in a nightmarish storm is almost impossible without some guidance. Without therapy, the dance becomes a way of life, both people lost in the shuffle, or should I say, \u201cThe Hustle\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n
![\"uncover-the-facts\"](\"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/10\/uncover-the-facts-300x200.jpg\")
<\/p>\n
The real issues the couple\u00a0is facing can\u00a0resurface with therapy, with some guidance\u00a0for a\u00a0deeper understanding\u00a0of truth. In the end, the real issues are not about the betrayal alone. The behavior is simply the dysfunctional intimacy revealing and expressing\u00a0itself in a final act of desperation. The work is to continue looking deeper, to\u00a0gain clarity about\u00a0the motives and intentions that drive\u00a0the behaviors.\u00a0To\u00a0remain focused on the pain experienced from the behavior is only the beginning. If each person in the relationship is dead set on blaming and pointing the finger at the other, then a smoke screen is being created by someone who is being motivated not to see themselves in the mirror of their relationship. Just saying \u201cStop doing what you\u2019re doing because it\u2019s wrong and you\u2019re a terrible person\u201d does not work. \u00a0True recovery begins when each person\u2019s shame, guilt, low self-esteem, pain, anger, and lack of trust can be managed enough to see the other person\u2019s flaws in a non-judgmental light. Without the reactive filters of severe pain, one can\u00a0forensically\u00a0see the other person with less judgement. The cheating husband is\u00a0no longer a villain in a bad movie, but\u00a0with a lot of patience and grace, each spouse can see the other for the broken, highly functioning dysfunctional person they chose. More importantly, each person can see themselves in a more truth filled light. An illuminated view that\u00a0eventually becomes more empowering compared to the \u201cWhoa is me, I\u2019m a victim\u201d stance.<\/p>\n
Whatever the addiction, workaholism, approval seeking, sex, people relationships, gossiping, shopping, drinking\u2026.all create a lack of intimacy with others and worse, yourself. Treating the behavior is not enough.\u00a0Once the behavior stops, the feelings that were being managed by the addiction will erupt. So the choice is to blow yourself up or seek therapy. Choose the latter, even if you are the only bloom in the dessert, at least you have yourself. You will gain the most important person you lost, YOU!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Dealing with someone you love who feels distant, uncommitted, and is possibly having an affair can be gut wrenching and painful. The sting of \u00a0betrayal, the lousy levels\u00a0of intimacy, and the all around detachment is the last thing you thought you would end up with, especially when you told yourself you weren\u2019t\u00a0going to be one […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[19,21,32,1],"tags":[394,843,465,467,1452,396,689,398,407,1356,1366,635,484,410],"class_list":["post-3795","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-abandonment","category-affairs","category-marital-therapy","category-uncategorized","tag-abandonment","tag-affair-recovery","tag-anger","tag-betrayal","tag-carmel-mariage-counseling","tag-divorce","tag-emotional-pain","tag-indiana-marriage-counseling","tag-indianapolis-marriage-counseling","tag-pornography","tag-pornography-addiction","tag-resentment","tag-separation","tag-sex-addiction"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3795","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/9"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3795"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3795\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4415,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3795\/revisions\/4415"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3795"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3795"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3795"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}