{"id":3860,"date":"2015-03-02T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2015-03-02T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/how-you-might-be-blocking-your-own-needs\/"},"modified":"2020-05-11T20:49:08","modified_gmt":"2020-05-11T20:49:08","slug":"how-you-might-be-blocking-your-own-needs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/how-you-might-be-blocking-your-own-needs\/","title":{"rendered":"How You Might Be Blocking Your Own Needs!"},"content":{"rendered":"

Do you ever become aware of a need and then immediately feel guilty?\u00a0 Or maybe you have a need but feel guilty asking for it to be met? Perhaps you hesitate asking for your\u00a0 need to be met because you will then feel like you owe the person something?<\/p>\n

\"guiltyThe guilt and shame that is associated with our needs is a link that usually begins in childhood where we unintentionally get the message that our needs caused someone else pain or discomfort.\u00a0 Think about the reactions your parents and caregivers had to your needs, wants, and desires, for example.
\nTheir reactions HAD to have shaped how you feel about your own needs!<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s say you wanted to join an activity at school.\u00a0 That meant that your caregivers might have to adjust their schedule with work, they might have to coordinate getting you to and from the activity.\u00a0 There might even have been an expense involved that caused your parents to \u00a0stress about finances. The reactions to your needs that you saw in your parents could easily leave you feeling like you shouldn’t have needs!<\/p>\n

Worse, your parents might have shamed you for wanting something, or mocked you or made fun of you for expressing a need or desire.\u00a0 You might even have been blamed for putting extra burden on the family.\u00a0 Worse yet, you might have gotten your need met only to have it thrown in your face later (\u201cWe just spent $150 on your books, and now you want X?\u201d).\u00a0 This would leave a person wary of asking for their needs to be met because they are always anticipating the \u201ccost\u201d.<\/p>\n

\"wants-vs.-needs1\"When we bring these beliefs into our adult lives, it makes getting our needs met very difficult.\u00a0 So what most of us do is hand this burdensome problem over to our spouse on the altar.\u00a0 \u201cHere you go, honey!\u00a0 A) I don\u2019t know what my needs are or how to get them met.\u00a0 Furthermore, B) I find myself unable to ask for my needs to be met (which is especially hard, given A above), and C) If you do give me what I need, I\u2019m going to have a hard time receiving it! But I\u2019m handing this job over to you with the expectation that you\u2019ll meet my needs for me!\u201d\u00a0 Then we spend the next number of years howling at our spouse because they aren’t doing a very good job of meeting our needs!\u00a0 Logically it sounds ridiculous, but in reality, it happens all the time.<\/p>\n

\"dailylovec\"So, how do we fix this conundrum?\u00a0 First<\/em><\/strong>, we have to get in touch with our own needs.\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 It is your job to know what you need.\u00a0 Don\u2019t make your spouse guess about something that you don\u2019t even know yourself!\u00a0
\nSecondly<\/em><\/strong>, you have to be convinced that your needs and desires are normal and healthy.\u00a0 You can\u2019t feel a sense of entitlement to something that you think you shouldn’t have!\u00a0 I encourage people to run it through the best friend filter \u2013 if your best friend said they wanted \u2013X-, would you think it was reasonable for them to want that?\u00a0 If so, then it is reasonable.\u00a0 Thirdly<\/em><\/strong>, you have to deal with your guilt.\u00a0 Giving to our partners in marriage is a normal, healthy part of a relationship.\u00a0 In fact, most of us want to feel needed.\u00a0 So if you don\u2019t ask for your needs to be met, you are robbing your partner of being able to fulfill their need to love on you.\u00a0 And finally<\/em><\/strong>, you will have to learn how to let down your walls down and receive<\/em><\/strong> love and that is going to be uncomfortable!<\/p>\n

[su_youtube url=”https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=LxPUq9dExq0″]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Do you ever become aware of a need and then immediately feel guilty?\u00a0 Or maybe you have a need but feel guilty asking for it to be met? Perhaps you hesitate asking for your\u00a0 need to be met because you will then feel like you owe the person something? The guilt and shame that is […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[19,23,24,30,32,18,36,1],"tags":[394,972,1605,580,1606,407,1242,429,447,860,1607,512,436,1608,1609],"class_list":["post-3860","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-abandonment","category-anxiety","category-codependent","category-individual-therapy","category-marital-therapy","category-marriage","category-self-help","category-uncategorized","tag-abandonment","tag-empty","tag-empty-marriage","tag-guilt","tag-how-do-i-get-my-needs-met","tag-indianapolis-marriage-counseling","tag-kathy-henry","tag-marriage","tag-marriage-counseling","tag-needs","tag-needs-met","tag-self-abandonment","tag-shame","tag-unfulfilled","tag-unhappy"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3860","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3860"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3860\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4468,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3860\/revisions\/4468"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3860"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3860"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3860"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}