{"id":3934,"date":"2016-02-03T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2016-02-03T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/guilt-vs-shame\/"},"modified":"2020-05-11T20:49:13","modified_gmt":"2020-05-11T20:49:13","slug":"guilt-vs-shame","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/guilt-vs-shame\/","title":{"rendered":"Guilt vs. Shame"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"shame\"While it may seem that these words are synonyms, there is a difference between guilt and shame. \u00a0A very important difference, actually. \u00a0I just made myself some wild mountain blueberry coffee, so join me for a minute, hopefully with your favorite beverage, and a warm blanket and fuzzy pet if you’ve got ’em!<\/p>\n

First let’s talk about guilt. \u00a0Guilt says to us, “I did something wrong or hurtful to someone else.” Would it surprise you if I were to suggest that guilt is actually a good and necessary thing? \u00a0Most folks do not like the feeling of guilt and would avoid it if at all possible. \u00a0That’s good. \u00a0Having guilt feel unpleasant motivates us to do things well, and not hurt others. \u00a0We have a label for folks who feel zero guilt: sociopath. \u00a0Sociopaths are characterized by no feelings of guilt no matter what pain they might cause to another person. \u00a0Feelings of guilt actually come from our conscience, and our conscience lets us know when we have hurt someone and turns us from that behavior. \u00a0There is nothing wrong with that, it socializes us.<\/p>\n

What about shame then? \u00a0How is shame different? \u00a0Shame is actually not a good and necessary thing. \u00a0Shame says to us, “You are bad, your existence is a waste and you shouldn’t even be alive.” \u00a0Pretty fun self talk, huh? \u00a0Unfortunately, it is all too common. \u00a0It plays on our worst fear of being unlovable, which means to us, in the deepest parts of our hearts, that we will die alone. \u00a0That is the worst thing that could happen to us because we are born hard-wired for connection.<\/p>\n

\"shame\"Ultimately, though, shame is a lie, prideful, and a waste of time. \u00a0Each person, no matter what they have done or not done, has inherent worth and value. \u00a0When I describe this in my office, I talk about how much we love our kids when they are first born. \u00a0Why do we love them? \u00a0They are expensive, they keep us up all night, they perform various messy bodily functions on us, and yet we still love them so intensely. \u00a0Why? \u00a0Because they are. \u00a0That is a good enough reason. \u00a0Their existence is enough for us to love them, pretty unconditionally and ferociously, actually.<\/p>\n

The lie that we believe when we have shame is that somehow in our lives we have been able to do or not do things that have had an effect on that truth about us. \u00a0I did…a, b, c, d, ….so I am no longer worthy of being loved. \u00a0Hogwash!!! \u00a0You are still worthy of being loved no matter what! \u00a0You may have consequences for your actions, and it may not be safe to be in relationship with you when you are under the influence of the pride that causes you to not be able to turn from your pain-inflicting behaviors; but your worth as a human being has never been in question.<\/p>\n

If you have guilt for something, apologize and work to do better. \u00a0Turn from the painful behavior. \u00a0If you have shame, combat that by realizing the duality that you are imperfect, yes, but unlovable, no. \u00a0You are both imperfect and lovable simultaneously. \u00a0Then work to care for your own feelings and the feelings of others gently and kindly. \u00a0It makes all the difference.<\/p>\n

Thanks for stopping by!<\/p>\n

Healing Hearts provides counseling services to the surrounding communities of Indianapolis, Fishers, Carmel, Zionsville, Westfield, Noblesville, and Geist. E-Counseling<\/strong> is available for residents of Indiana. Call or text today to set up your appointment. 317-218-3038<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a9 2016 Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

While it may seem that these words are synonyms, there is a difference between guilt and shame. \u00a0A very important difference, actually. \u00a0I just made myself some wild mountain blueberry coffee, so join me for a minute, hopefully with your favorite beverage, and a warm blanket and fuzzy pet if you’ve got ’em! First let’s […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":11,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[16,38,1],"tags":[466,488,912,437,427,424,471,576,474,396,476,579,490,580,1078,460,407,500,429,447,1226,420,482,430,483,436,1807,1228,1808,744,485,486],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3934"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/11"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3934"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3934\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4533,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3934\/revisions\/4533"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3934"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3934"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3934"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}