{"id":3975,"date":"2012-03-30T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2012-03-30T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/truth-about-abandonment\/"},"modified":"2020-05-11T20:49:16","modified_gmt":"2020-05-11T20:49:16","slug":"truth-about-abandonment","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/truth-about-abandonment\/","title":{"rendered":"“Truth about Abandonment!”"},"content":{"rendered":"

Abandonment\u00a0happens everyday in our lives……it happened in our past and it will happen again. Abandonment is the feeling that says “I did not get what I wanted or needed from myself or from the outside world.” Abandonment can be a mild, almost indiscernible feeling that eventually grows into a much stronger, anxiety creating feeling. Abandonment is difficult to detect since it\u00a0lies beneath\u00a0many other\u00a0layers of emotion. Some of these emotions are fear, anxiety, worry, despair, angst, anger, rage, jealousy, shame,guilt, sadness,\u00a0and depression. Some\u00a0defense mechanisms\u00a0people use to deflect or manage abandonment are\u00a0counter and co-dependency, pride, ego boosting, obsessive compulsive disorders, addictions, workaholism, busyness, enmeshment with others, being controlling, overly sensitive, hyper-vigilance about others (being too focused on other people’s reactions and behaviors), being disconnected or numbing, obsessing about money, perfectionism, having body image issues, and many others.<\/p>\n

Infidelity, emotional affairs, separation, divorce, death, becoming parents, gambling, and addictions are some severe\u00a0examples of triggers that allow\u00a0feelings of abandonment\u00a0to resurface. \u00a0Some milder examples of triggers are empty nesting, working too much, not knowing how to say no to others, being too busy, overly focusing on\u00a0money or other people, or being controlling.\u00a0We are not victims of abandonment and it is not shameful to experience abandonment.\u00a0Abandonment\u00a0is not\u00a0intended to be judged in either a positive or negative light, but rather, just accepted as a part of life! Abandonment\u00a0occurs, much like many other life situations,\u00a0that are outside of our control. If we consider our childhood back to babyhood and infancy, abandonment occurred on a regular basis. Feelings of anger and rage are easily seen\u00a0in babies who scream at the top of their lungs for food, comfort, cleanliness, and security. This is a simple cry for help and an expression of needs that must be met from an individual\u00a0who does not have the capacity to speak or the power to provide the necessities of life on their own. Children are solely dependent for others to survive. As a natural consequence,\u00a0babies and\u00a0children\u00a0express\u00a0anger, displeasure, and rage with\u00a0all the strength of the body.<\/p>\n

\"abandonment\"This experience provides knowledge and learning about how to behave when we have to communicate our deepest needs. These experiences of abandonment and dependency\u00a0travel\u00a0with us as we age and move into adulthood. Emotional growth occurs on a\u00a0continuum and is NOT made up of\u00a0separate experiences, regardless of whether or not we are able to recall these types of experiences.\u00a0It is a myth to believe that negative experiences about abandonment did not occur or are resolved within us if we cannot recall the memories.\u00a0These experiences\u00a0lie\u00a0deeply buried in our unconscious and subconscious minds until therapy provides an open pathway to reconnect to our past.\u00a0The brain and body, upon learning from the past,\u00a0mimic\u00a0these behaviors in an effort to meet the required needs throughout our lives.\u00a0Since this is the only learned information\u00a0that applies to our experiences,\u00a0we do what we know until we learn something new.<\/p>\n

Now, you might be saying to yourself,\u00a0“Yeah, so what? Why does this matter? So what if my dad worked all the time. He provided the best he could and so did my mom. We never went without.” This is a common sentiment during initial\u00a0therapy sessions. This is indicative of how well\u00a0a person has maneuvered\u00a0through\u00a0life and survive\u00a0as well as possible without becoming bogged down in the past. The truth is, who we are today is reminiscent of where we came from, so the past\u00a0matters since we cannot separate who we are today from our past experiences. As children, we express our needs in a healthy way as a dependent person who has needs and is incapable of providing support to have those needs met. However,\u00a0this expression\u00a0is an\u00a0unhealthy one\u00a0in an adult. Why is it unhealthy? Because we are no longer children and that means the world will not respond to us in a way that meets our needs when we sound like children or teenagers. We are not taken seriously or trusted when we use our\u00a0younger voices and behaviors.\u00a0It is not unhealthy because of the judgement, “It’s wrong to be childish!”\u00a0The reality is that you will not be taken seriously\u00a0by your significant others, because you are an adult. \u00a0Also, in our younger lives, we might have expressed having a need in the only way possible,\u00a0 which is reasonable for a child, however the outside world might not have met those needs. In fact, the chances are high that\u00a0many of us did not receive\u00a0what we needed,\u00a0because no one receives everything they need all of the time, so\u00a0it is likely that most are wounded from this experience. Wounded because beliefs and fears are developed\u00a0around these unpleasant and unfulfilling experiences.\u00a0If we deny this about ourselves,\u00a0then denial is part of the defense mechanism\u00a0and you are\u00a0liable to make the same mistakes now and in the future. The state of your marriage or relationship is indicative of how well you are able to meet your needs and the needs of your family members. Abandonment is visible in our lives today.\u00a0When we enter into\u00a0relationships that become challenging our needs are not met.\u00a0The challenge becomes the ability to notice immediately,\u00a0the emotional distancing that begins after being a relationship for a few years.\u00a0Emotional distancing is a form of abandonment for both the one doing the distancing and the one experiencing the distancing.<\/p>\n

If you are saying to yourself, “Well, I don’t act like a child or immature.” Then you are misunderstanding how childhood feelings\u00a0are experienced. In our core, in our secret hearts, we know what we need, want or desire. We\u00a0feel our feelings in an\u00a0innocent and honest way, though this may not be known to our significant other.\u00a0We all feel fear, worry, anxiety, desire, sadness, insecurity, etc. These are feelings we have about ourselves and the world no matter how beautiful, how smart,\u00a0or how much money you have…feelings of fear and abandonment occur for everyone. Our core needs as human beings do not change from childhood to adulthood.\u00a0People struggle with feelings\u00a0of being\u00a0unloved, unaccepted, insecure,\u00a0being misunderstood, etc.\u00a0These feelings show up in our lives in an indirect way through our families, friends, and significant others. How we manage our emotional state within our intimate circle is indicitive of past and present abandonment.<\/p>\n

Describing this phenomenon of abandonment to\u00a0couples\u00a0is challenging, especially when one spouse has provided plenty of fuel for the fire that blew up their marriage with infidelity, lack of intimacy, arguing, distancing, addictions, etc. It’s so easy to be the victim of someone else’s poor choices. Our culture’s belief system is fueled by abandonment. Everything in our culture is geared to avoiding abandonment, by teaching that\u00a0pain and discomfort is meant to be avoided. We do this by teaching that\u00a0being a good person or\u00a0making more money, being physically fit, to…” you fill in the blank” will keep you from being\u00a0disappointed in life. \u00a0The goal to not get hurt and have negative experiences is the primary directive. So, when the pain happens,\u00a0 we assume, “Hey, this isn’t right. I’m a good person and I should not have to\u00a0go through this! This is just wrong!” This is a victim mentality and\u00a0is looking at life as being a journey where\u00a0the purpose in living\u00a0is to avoid scary and hurtful experiences, which is not possible. This is\u00a0encouraging people to\u00a0feel justified\u00a0in emotionally cut-offing from the painful experience as\u00a0the proper way to avoid pain in the face of betrayal. However, this is unhealthy\u00a0and eventually we distance ourselves from the thing we desire most…love and intimacy! Yes, we do this to ourselves. By doing this unhealthy behavior, we re-create\u00a0the abandonment we felt in our youth and project it into\u00a0our intimate relationships.<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

Whew! Okay, so now, what does this have to do with my boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse…..? Stay tuned for the next post to learn more……..don’t worry, it will be here soon!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Abandonment\u00a0happens everyday in our lives……it happened in our past and it will happen again. Abandonment is the feeling that says “I did not get what I wanted or needed from myself or from the outside world.” Abandonment can be a mild, almost indiscernible feeling that eventually grows into a much stronger, anxiety creating feeling. Abandonment […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":3976,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[32,1],"tags":[394,445,399,467,1861,522,510,472,396,689,578,490,1862,1863,407,408,905,610,447,1864,512,484,611,1407,750],"class_list":["post-3975","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-marital-therapy","category-uncategorized","tag-abandonment","tag-addiction","tag-affairs","tag-betrayal","tag-childhood-abuse","tag-communication","tag-controlling","tag-cut-off","tag-divorce","tag-emotional-pain","tag-family","tag-fighting","tag-gambling","tag-hectic-schedule","tag-indianapolis-marriage-counseling","tag-infidelity","tag-issues","tag-marital-issues","tag-marriage-counseling","tag-overly-sensitive","tag-self-abandonment","tag-separation","tag-suffering","tag-suicidal-thoughts","tag-too-busy"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3975","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/9"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3975"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3975\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4572,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3975\/revisions\/4572"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3976"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3975"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3975"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/healingheartsofindy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3975"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}