Book Review: Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab Part 2
In part one of this review, we discussed the first 3 types of boundaries that Tawwab covers in her
book: physical, sexual, and emotional. Now we’ll discuss the last 3: intellectual, material, and
time.
- Emotional: Emotional boundaries determine how much you’re comfortable sharing your
feelings at a given time. Sometimes people can feel that if they aren’t the exact same
person in every situation that it means they are being inauthentic. The reality is that
different situations call for different boundaries. It would be inappropriate to share certain
emotions that come up in a professional setting but is completely appropriate to share
those same emotions with a friend or your partner. The other thing to consider is that not
every person is safe to share all of yourself with. This also covers the timeline in which
you share your emotions with another person regarding things like your family dynamics,
a painful past experience, etc. - Material: Material boundaries determine if and how you share your personal belongings.
This can be anything from lending someone money to allowing them to borrow your car
to allowing them to live in your home for a period of time. Often what tends to happen is
assumptions will be made that both parties are on the same page about when the money
will be paid back, when the car will be returned, how long your brother will be “crashing
on your couch”. This is rarely the case if these terms are not discussed beforehand.
People are not mind readers and different life experiences are going to shape what a
person perceives as “common sense”. This is why we now have the saying “Common
sense isn’t so common.” If someone was always made to feel like an imposition, they
may be frantically trying to get out of your house when you’re fine with them staying
awhile. - Time: Boundaries around time determine how you choose to spend your time and how
you allow others to spend your time. We all know that one person who is constantly
running late or doesn’t show up because they double booked themselves/underestimated
how long something would take. That person might even be yourself. This pattern is
often due to not knowing how to set boundaries around our time and how to say “no”.
Before I learned about boundaries, I really struggled with telling people no because it felt
mean. I value being a kind person and if I didn’t have anything scheduled, I didn’t feel
like I had a good reason to say no if a friend asked me to help them move or to pet-sit for
them. This inability to say no led to resentment and burnout. As I learned more about
boundaries, I came to understand that saying no is not mean and it doesn’t make me an
unkind person. As human beings we only have so much energy and we have to be
discerning in how we spend that energy. We also have to practice self-care so that we can
recharge. When you fly on an airplane, what does the flight attendant say to do if the
oxygen masks drop and you’re flying with someone who will need help putting theirs on?
Put yours on first. This may seem selfish but the reality is if you don’t have enough
oxygen, you will pass out. The person you’re traveling with will have oxygen but if you pass out, they will likely end up in a worse situation in the long run because you weren’t able to help them beyond putting their mask on. So even though it seems selfish, putting your mask on first is better for both of you. Self-care is the oxygen mask.
Boundaries can be hard to set if we are not taught from a young age that they are part of being a
healthy human being. Learning to set boundaries means having to work through the feelings of
guilt that come up. It is a process that will take time. The good news is that the more you do it,
the easier it gets. The feelings of guilt will lessen as you start seeing the benefits of setting
boundaries. Setting boundaries is hard but you are worth it!
For part one of this book review, go here! https://healingheartsofindy.com/set-boundaries-find-peace-part-
There are also links to purchase the book and
workbook.
1/https://www.brainlairbooks.com/item/UPeceejxZgcEIvfvuBVPhw
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