Today I want to talk about a topic of particular importance for those who regularly use email and texting or other forms of communication that are not face to face. This is becoming more and more prevalent in our society, and there is a significant pitfall that we must remain aware of to avoid falling into it with a loud belly-flop.
How many times have you filled in insufficient information with ideas from your own head? The truth is, all of us do this all the time. Take our vision, for example. There is entirely too much visual information in any given moment for our eyes to take in and our brain to process. So our brains actually “fill in the blanks” with information that makes sense. It is not actual reality, it is a made up conglomoration of data that keeps our visual field making sense to us. This phenomena is easily observed when viewing optical illusions.
In much the same way, and if we are not careful, we do this same thing when communicating with others. It is particularly dangerous when texting and emailing, because there is A LOT of information we don’t have. This can happen when talking to someone face to face, but it is even more pronounced when we are conversing in writing. We miss out on cues like inflection, tone of voice, and body language with texting/email. So our brains fill in the missing blanks with information from our memory banks to insinuate the whole message and help it make sense.
There is a MAJOR problem with this!!! Our brains choose data from our past, our wounds, and our own world view, and base our opinion of someone else’s intent on this conjured data. In other words, we GUESS, and then take it as fact. Whoa, is this ever dangerous!!! Our past and our wounds can tell us things like “there’s no way she really cares about me” or “that short answer means he’s angry at me” or even “if she doesn’t text me back in the next 10 minutes, it means she wants to break up with me”, etc. etc.
There is no real feasible way to give the person you are talking to via the written word all of the data they would need in order to communicate fully. It is even still difficult in person, because we don’t see people as they really are, we see them as WE are, as Anais Nin would say. We make assumptions about intent and motive as well as content rather than take the time to find out what the other person is really trying to say.
The solution? Being aware that this can happen, that people you correspond with will be tempted to fill in the blanks, and that you will be tempted to fill in the blanks when someone corresponds with you, is a good start. It will allow you to emotionally hold still, hopefully non-reactively, and ask clarifying questions when you’ve received a message you either don’t understand, or that hurts. An awareness that you may have filled in too many blanks will help you know when to ask the other person for the real message they were trying to send. It will help head-off a lot of conflict before it begins.
A large side-order of grace will also help tremendously. Realizing that the other person cannot anticipate fully how you will fill in the blanks, and giving them the benefit of the doubt before you allow your emotions to run amuck. Take the time, ask the questions, and allow them to explain what they really meant. Give them some room to express what they really meant BEFORE you decide that your version, filled with your own missing data and not theirs, is the only correct one. Research what they are saying instead of telling them what you heard them say. Most of the time there will be serious discrepancies between the two. Take the time to clarify. You won’t be sorry that you did.
Remember that your guesser and mine….all guessers….are pretty terrible. In therapy, I ask tons of clarifying questions to make sure I am understanding the person on my couch instead of filling in blanks from my own experiences. This is imperative for safe, close, and truly intimate relationships. When you catch yourself getting reactive, to texts and emails particularly but really anytime, stop and think about ways in which you could be filling in the blanks incorrectly and ask clarifying questions.
Thank you for stopping by and reading my work!
Healing Hearts provides counseling services to the surrounding communities of Indianapolis, Fishers, Carmel, Zionsville, Westfield, Noblesville, and Geist. Call or text today to set up your appointment. 317-218-3038
© 2014 Nancy Eisenman, MSW
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