Remember the saying, “you should never talk about sex, religion or politics at the dinner table,”? Well, today I want to talk about how politics may be causing problems in your relationship. It’s the year 2020, which means it is election year. For some couples, this is a danger zone topic. I have noticed political conversations come up in the therapy room more frequently in the past 6 months and I have had to defuse several arguments because of it. So the big question is….what do we do when politics is causing problems in the relationship?
Typically, you would think, “don’t talk about politics.” However, it is not that easy. This year especially, people are more outspoken than ever. People want to feel heard and understood why we feel topics are so important to us. If our partner disagrees on something that is important to us, conversations can get heated. “Political disagreements can feel incredibly painful. If our partner has different or opposing views, we tend to take it personally and feel misunderstood,” (Faith Dulin, MA, LMFT).
When talking to your partner about disagreeing political views, you need to have ground rules. Two key factors are the way you approach the conversation and showing empathy. If you start the discussion with respect, genuine curiosity and wanting to understand, it can allow room for a healthy debate instead of turning it into an attack. When it starts to get unproductive and heated, have the emotional maturity to know when to call it quits on the conversation.
Showing empathy is another great way to not have political conversations turn heated. For example, saying “I can understand why you would feel so strongly about…” or . . . ask questions, “why do you feel that way” or “why is this issue important to you?” This tells your partner that you are interested in hearing what they have to say and their beliefs. Just because you disagree with each other does not give you an excuse to bully, verbally attack or belittle.
When the conversation is over, be sure to take time to reflect on what was talked about. This is a great opportunity to think about what role you played in the debate and if you both allowed yourselves to hear the other person. You can process the discussion more and take accountability for your part.
If you think politics are causing problems in your relationship, it is important to recognize that it is not only okay, but healthy for us to have different belief systems. It is how you handle the conversation and the differences that make it unhealthy. You have the right to your own opinion, but you have to remember that they do as well. It is absolutely okay to agree to disagree. Just respect each other in the process.
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