Book Review: Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab Part 1
Boundaries can feel complicated. Many of us were not taught to have healthy boundaries as
children and unfortunately it’s not something that our brain installs the moment we turn 18.
Setting boundaries is a learned skill. So what can we do if we weren’t raised knowing how to set
healthy boundaries? Fortunately, there is an excellent book on this very topic.
Nedra Glover Tawwab is a licensed therapist and has practiced relationship therapy for over 14
years. She is the founder and owner of Kaleidoscope Counseling and has a fantastic Instagram
account where she shares tools, practices and reflections for mental health. She is the author of
several books, including ‘Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself’.
One of the things that I love about this book is how straightforward it is. A client of mine once
described reading it as “like talking to a friend over coffee”. She breaks things down in easy-to-
understand ways and even has separate chapters for how to set boundaries depending on the
relationship/situation.
Boundaries that you need to set with your overbearing mom will likely
look different than boundaries you need to set with your boss who expects you to be available
24/7. She discusses the cost of not having healthy boundaries, the reasons why we don’t have
them, and what a boundary violation can look like. Each chapter ends with an exercise for the
reader to complete to help apply the information to their own situation.
Another thing I love is her definition of boundaries. “Boundaries are expectations and needs that
help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. Expectations in relationships help you
stay mentally and emotionally well. Learning when to say no and when to say yes is also an
essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others.” (Tawwab, p.5)
One thing to note is that when you first start to set boundaries, it will likely not feel safe. If your nervous
system has been conditioned to feel safe by people pleasing, setting boundaries is going to feel
scary at first. The more you practice setting boundaries and are able to see the peace that follows,
the more your nervous system will learn that setting boundaries is actually the safe thing to do.
This takes time so don’t get discouraged if you don’t immediately feel safe setting a needed
boundary.
Tawwab describes 6 types of boundaries. I will discuss the first 3 here and will discuss the last 3
in part two.
1.Physical: This is your preferences regarding personal space and physical touch that aren’t
necessarily sexual. An example I often use with my clients is whether you are
comfortable with someone sitting right next to you on the couch while you watch tv
together or if you would rather there be some space between you. This is a boundary that
can change depending on the day/your mood which is okay. Boundaries are not set in
stone.
2.Sexual: This covers your preferences about how, or by whom, you want to be touched or
spoken to (or about) in a sexual or intimate manner. This can be anything from holding
hands to your preferences in the bedroom. It also covers how comfortable you are with people commenting on your body and whether you want your partner to share details of your sex life with others.
3.Intellectual: This is the extent to which you express your thoughts and ideas. (This is
separate from emotional which we will get to in a minute.) Are you afraid of being
ridiculed or dismissed when you share your opinion? You may not feel free to share your
thoughts or you may feel pressured into sharing them with people that aren’t safe to do so
with.
Intellectual boundaries also involve how you determine whose advice you take or
don’t take. If you find yourself assuming that everyone knows better than you or is
smarter than you, then you likely need to set some boundaries in this area. There will be
areas that you should listen to others because they know more about the topic but there
are also areas that you are the expert on and those areas will differ for everyone.
In part two we’ll discuss intellectual, material, and time boundaries. If what we have discussed
so far is resonating with you, I highly recommend purchasing her book which you can do here:
https://www.brainlairbooks.com/item/UPeceejxZgcEIvfvuBVPhw
if you want to support a small Indiana bookstore. There is also a workbook if you find those helpful.
https://www.brainlairbooks.com/item/ymASTSSKIbZGmSuw-4eR6g
Stay tuned for part two!
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