Healthy shame: I did something bad. I hurt someone’s feelings when I said that and feel bad about it.
Toxic shame: I am bad. I am worthless and an utter failure.
Do you see the difference in these two examples? Healthy shame is a feeling that comes and goes and teaches us the difference between appropriate and inappropriate behavior, while toxic shame is a constant negative part of a person’s identity.
Toxic shame is learned through our experiences with the world around us and the feedback we get from others.
I want to highlight the difference between the two with some examples to show how different experiences can foster the development of two very different types of shame in people.
Scenario 1:
A child is trying to pour his milk by himself, for the first time, to make his parents proud of what he can do on his own. While he begins to pour, he loses his grip on the milk and it slips out of his hands leaving a mess on the floor. His mother rushes to him and says “What happened, are you alright?!” The child looks down feeling bad he had made such a mess and upset he wasn’t able to get the proud reaction from his mom he was hoping for. Seeing her child upset at failing to pour the glass of milk, she replies with a smile, “it’s okay sweetie. It was really heavy. When the gallon is less full you can try again and I promise I’ll be there to help in case it’s still too heavy.” The child smiles up at her and says “okay mommy” as he begins to help her clean the milk.
This child learns that he wasn’t quite ready to pour his own milk, but that he will have opportunities to try again. If these types of interactions continue he will most likely grow up to have healthy self-esteem and experience healthy shame when he makes mistakes.
Scenario 2:
A child is trying to pour his milk by himself, for the first time, to make his parents proud of what he can do on his own. While he begins to pour, he loses his grip on the milk and it slips out of his hands, leaving a mess on the floor. His mother turns around and yells “Are you kidding me?! Ugh! You can’t do anything right!” The child gets on the floor and hastily begins trying to clean the mess with his napkin. His mother pushes him aside to clean it up with a towel, “Just get out of the way. You’re only going to make a bigger mess that I have to clean up.”
This child is no longer encouraged to try new things. Both times he tried to do something without help (i.e., pour the milk and clean it up) his mother criticized him and told him he can’t do anything right. If these types of scenarios continue they will continue to reinforce his negative beliefs about himself and continue to affect him as well as his relationships. For example, he may give up trying in school or sabotage dating relationships because he believes he is not good enough and that no one could ever love him.
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