I always knew my mother loved me unconditionally – and for that I will be forever grateful (thanks, Mom!) This did not appear to be the case, however, with my stepfather. I felt he measured my success as a person in relation to what he strove for himself – perfection. The many ways I fell short were forever inscribed on his tablet of disappointments. It felt like he loved me less with each mistake or misstep I made. If I could have wowed him with brilliance, maybe I could have gained a pinch of his approval. But alas, I was not born with the wisdom of an adult; I was born a mere child, having to learn everything through the messy trainings of life experience.
Living under this guise of feeling you need to be perfect in order to be loved is excruciatingly painful. I carry it with me to this day, the tingling sensation deep in my soul that I am not lovable just the way that I am. I still occasionally quiver at the thought of making a mistake for fear love will be withdrawn. Love, I came to believe, had to be earned. It was not to be freely given. Even still, love certainly was not a constant thing, solidly anchored and stable, but could be ripped away with the next error. Why did not my mother’s unconditional love draw a blatant contradictory comparison to this belief? Because as a wise client once said, ‘Shame speaks so much louder’. And do we not, as a matter of human nature, focus on what needs fixed versus what is operating as it should?
One client, describing the pain she felt as a child growing up under similar rule said once, “Some other family would have been happy to have me!” This young lady, like me, had tried to do the right things, but she failed at the one thing her mother wanted out of her the most – to fit her perfect idea of a daughter. Even when the ‘perfect’ parent is out of your life, the primitive, childlike goal remains – to finally, finally live up to the parent’s unreachable bar of acceptance. The painful process of still reaching out towards a disappearing finish line leaves many of us forever unsettled.
So how do we work this kink out of our lives? First, we must recognize that we were never designed to be perfect. The only thing you can be perfect at is being imperfect! Can you accept your imperfectness? Can you allow yourself to be loved even though you are flawed? Can you see that you are lovable – just the way that you are? Can you see that the parent who preached perfection (while perhaps well-meaning) taught you the wrong things about the world? And, finally, are you willing to work to change that original programming and give yourself the love and acceptance you’ve been yearning for?
These are all important steps if we want to truly be loved in this lifetime. As it goes, we cannot receive love fully unless we feel that we are indeed lovable. And if we continue the mindset of feeling we must be perfect in order to be loved, the love we have been seeking our entire lives will forever be just beyond our grasp.
Are you still convinced you can only be loved if you are perfect? Get to work on changing that mindset now. The love and approval you have been searching for your entire life is literally right in your hands – all you have to do is learn to give it to yourself!
(It is worth noting that I had a huge epiphany several years ago – my stepfather treated me the way he did, not because he didn’t love me, but because he DID love me. He loved me in the only way that he knew how. For to send me off into the world as perfect as possible would save me much of the pain he had experienced in his life. Braced with this new and wonderful insight, I approached him and thanked him. I am at peace now with that relationship, and I hope he is, too.)
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