In the course of my years as a marriage counselor, I still am amazed at times at how people’s knee jerk reactivity is so self-defeating. The amygdala is to blame. They can’t see it, of course, not even a glimpse! It is, however, plain as day to me, the neutral body watching in horror as people systematically destroy the relationship they want so desperately.
I once heard, in my training, that the couples who fight the hardest, most brutal fights are the ones who want the relationship to work the most. I totally didn’t ‘get it’ then, but I sure do now. Let’s look at the core of the fight instead of the spitting anger and dishes flying.
The Underlying Conversation
What he wants more than anything is for her to love him. As he communicates what he needs, in unclear and unhealthy ways, it triggers her issue, let’s say it makes her feel like she’s doing something wrong. Now she cannot hear him because she’s too busy trying to get what she desperately needs which is for him to love her. Understand that the specific need for each person in the couple might be different, but the bottom line is that they are screaming at one another, but neither one of them is equipped to hear in that moment. They CAN’T hear their partner over the panic and reactivity that has incapacitated them.
Reactivity
Reactivity is when the emotional response is much bigger than it needs to be. When a trigger hits, the amygdala (a part of the brain) gets activated and you may not longer be in control of what you will do next. I’ve had clients describe it as “out of body experience”, lightheaded, heart racing, hear their pulse in their ears, and even “levitating”. When the amygdala gets engaged, you are no longer capable of having a healthy discussion. The brain is in effect taken over and the logic and reason portion of your brain is temporarily paused and unable to function well. The amygdala is essentially driving the brain at this point and escalates the issue.
Now What?
The first order of business is to understand that the conversation HAS TO BE PUT ON HOLD once the amygdala gets activated. Continuing the conversation when we are overtaken by reactivity is a mistake. That’s where lots of damage is done. Likely irreparable damage.
RECOGNIZE
The next order of business is to RECOGNIZE when the amygdala has taken over, watch for these signs: tingling, numbness, racing heart beat, light headed, a sense of swirling, racing thoughts, etc. I began noticing when I was activated when it felt like someone had punched me in the gut (sudden onset of amygdala) or I would feel increasingly more lightheaded as the heated conversation went on (slower onset).
STOP YOURSELF
Once I realized I was activated, I had to STOP myself, which was not always possible and was not easy. Stop talking, stop engaging and remove yourself from the situation. This doesn’t have to be a dramatic storm out, but rather signal somehow to your partner that you need a break. I would advise my clients to talk about how to do this in counseling or at home when things were not activated. Use a Code Word if you have to. Waiting until you are activated to figure out how to stop yourself and take a break will likely only escalate things in the moment.
DEAL WITH YOUR AMYGDALA
Once you’ve managed to pull yourself away from the situation, you need to deal with your amygdala. First, BREATHE! Take slow, deep breaths. Your amygdala has put you into survival mode. It thinks there is a life-threatening emergency. It may be telling your body you are in a similar trauma that you’ve experienced before and is in Fight Or Flight mode. (If you are in physical danger – don’t hesitate to get out and/or call the police!) Hopefully you’re not in a violent situation and it’s just an overreactive fight. Now is the time to give yourself what you need . . . you need to take the time to bring your breathing, your heart rate, your blood pressure down. I used regulated breathing, like they teach you in birthing classes. Forcing those quick breaths gets some much needed oxygen to your brain and helps you to calm down and begin to think straight again. This can take anywhere from 10 min to an hour depending on how activated you were.
WAIT
Once the amygdala has been tamed and the logic brain has been re-engaged, DO NOT immediately jump back into the conversation. Your body just had an adrenaline surge and needs some time to rest otherwise you’ll just reactivate the amygdala. You need to let the chemicals in your brain and body reset before attempting to have a healthy conversation. Keep this in mind, your amygdala jumped in because it thought you were in danger. It doesn’t just say, “Oh, Ok!” and then go read a magazine. It is still alert and on the ready.
IT WILL TAKE TIME
Understand that taming the amygdala is a process and it will take time. You will not be good at it at first. Keep this article or maybe even write the steps down on index cards and carry them around with you and study them. And if you are working with your spouse or partner to have a healthy marriage, work on it together. It really is magical what you will find on the other side, when your amygdala doesn’t have to come to your rescue so often!
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