I had an immediate reaction to a study that my husband told me about. He read that ‘if you look a dog in the eye and speak kindly to it, it will behave better.’ My immediate reaction was, ‘That goes for people, too!’
I see a lot of couples in my practice as a counselor. By the time they reach my office, they have stopped looking each other in the eye, stopped sharing deep thoughts, dreams, feelings, fears, beliefs about themselves (intimacy), and usually they’ve stopped speaking kindly to one another. Here are some steps to reverse this process.
EYE CONTACT: When was the last time you looked your loved one in the eye? What about your children? This is the window to intimacy! In our day-to-day chaos, intimacy cannot thrive when we don’t even take the time to look each other in the eye! Think about it. When we first met our partner, we looked each other in the eye – a LOT! We wanted to get to know them, we wanted to see into their soul, we wanted to connect with them on a deeper level. After we’ve accomplished that, however, we get complacent and we forget to make eye contact. The intimacy we yearned for begins to fade.
SPEAKING KINDLY: In the face of that waning intimacy, we become less careful with our words and tone towards one another. I hear clients tell me that their spouse ‘would never speak to a co-worker that way’ and they are probably right!
If we want to get our dogs to do what we want, we need to speak kindly towards them. Doesn’t it also make sense that speaking to our spouse or children kindly would produce a better result? Indeed it does. Remember the old saying, ‘You get more flies with honey than with vinegar?’ This is not a new concept, folks. If you want to get along with someone, you’ve got to be kind to them. This was easy when we first met, but it requires effort after we’ve been together awhile. I encourage you to try speaking kindly towards your loved one for a week and see if it makes a difference.
INTIMACY: Intimacy is what we all long for – to be known, understood, and loved. In order to have intimacy, however, we have to have safety. How safe is the environment for your partner to share with you their inner-most thoughts and feelings?
If my partner shares that they’d like to go to Hawaii someday (an intimate feeling) and I respond by rolling my eyes, I have just made it unsafe for my partner to share vulnerable pieces of themself. Defensiveness, criticism, ridicule, ignoring, lack of eye contact, or speaking unkindly – these are all examples of creating an unsafe environment and intimacy cannot thrive under those conditions. Dogs almost universally make it safe for us to express our tender emotions around, because they love unconditionally.
So, bottom line. . . Be careful not to treat your dog better than your spouse! Eye contact is critical to having a loving relationship. Speaking kindly towards your partner is an absolute must if you want a good connection. And if you want to have intimacy with your partner, make the environment safe for them to be vulnerable around you.
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