She thinks it’s cheating, he thinks it’s no big deal. Neither are right. The truth lies somewhere in the middle. Honestly speaking, porn creates a lot of clients for counselors. Since the widespread popularity of the internet, the availability and intensity of porn have increased exponentially. I call it an epidemic. It’s crazy when you think about it. Porn is available to any degree, any time someone wants it and just about any place you can get a cell phone signal. So is porn just the root of all evil? Are people who view it just weak and perverted? No, no, and NO!
I’m not here to debate porn. I am simply here to state that it can, and does, cause problems for people. By the time people hit my office to discuss porn, there is a problem alright, and it is BIG! Wife has caught him and rages constantly over his ‘sin’, or he’s gotten so caught up in the fantasy world that he’s taken it into real life and cheated, or worse (something even HE thought he’d never do), the cops have come and seized all the computers from their home, or worse yet – he’s lost his job and maybe even his family. Please don’t minimize this article thinking, “Ah, that’s not going to happen to me!” These are all real examples of real people who have sat on my couch in excruciating pain over these exact situations – and they all minimized their behavior once, too.
So what is so bad about it?
1) Porn creates a fantasy world for people to escape. This escape allows us to run from our feelings, problems, fears, failures instead of dealing with them. Much like how an alcoholic uses alcohol, porn is a way to numb out. Porn provides for us something that we don’t know a more mature and healthy way of getting. The problem with escaping to the fantasy world is that the problems are still there when you come back, and eventually are aggravated by this unhealthy coping mechanism.
2) Porn sets up a standard that cannot be duplicated in real life in a long-term relationship. Bodies change! Time and the stress of life bring extra weight, stretch marks, wrinkles, scars, age spots, sagging skin and graying hair despite our best efforts to stop it. Constantly looking at the perfect airbrushed bodies online will give you a disappointing comparison when you look at your loving, faithful wife’s aging body each night. Further, the fantasy offers emotionless, problem-free, pleasure-only interactions with someone who can’t see your faults and failings. No one can offer that to you here on earth consistently. We want the fantasy (all-good) relationship but simultaneously need long-term love, acceptance and connection with one person. If your wife is workable, she can give you the (realistic) best of both worlds, but YOU have to meet her in the middle.
3) All of this avoidance means there is a build-up of emotion, pain, fear, disappointment, etc. When we don’t deal with this growing mass, it becomes bigger and we need MORE fantasy and escape to get the same result (numbing out). This is where people wind up divorced, fired, in jail, or otherwise humiliated beyond belief. Your coping mechanism (porn) has become an addiction when it negatively affects your life. Since it’s all done in secret, it is easy for you to minimize and justify until it hits the fan and blows up in your face.
What is porn providing for you? Has viewing it caused problems in your life? Do you only view it in secret? Have you tried to stop? Is your wife making a lot of noise about it?
It’s embarrassing to talk about, I know, but I implore you to find out the role porn plays in your life now. Doing so could possibly prevent a world of hurt for yourself and your family.
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