Control isn’t about typical jealousy you see in a “lifetime” movie. It’s being over productive, doing pre-emptively what others are able to do.
Being controlling doesn’t mean you try to control others in a direct way. It means not being able to trust others. Like not feeling you can trust that you’ll be heard, cared for, loved, known, get your needs met, etc. Being controlling comes from an internal anxiety that developed in childhood and solidified itself in adulthood. It’s the constant worry about yourself and others, that dominates how you care for the people you love. It’s the opposite of self-differentiation.
Do you tend to task yourself with the care of other peoples responsibilities if you feel like they won’t do it? Do you say to yourself “well it won’t get done so I have to.” Do you say “well if I don’t do it all hell will break lose.” Then you’re being controlling to manage your anxiety. Soon passive aggressive anger is sure to rear its ugly head.
Controlling can look like a kind gesture or sound like a helpful suggestion. But you know you’re doing it to alter the outcome of a particular circumstance. What’s unhealthy is the opportunity that is lost for the other person to feel consequences, discomfort, pain, and eventually learn about themselves. Acting out the controlling behavior removes the opportunity for the controlling person to feel their anxiety and learn from it.
Come in and talk to me to find out why your friends and family tell you to stop being so controlling!
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