Process of Setting Boundaries
As the world continues to normalize individual and couples therapy, as well as mental health in
general, hearing about setting boundaries starts to become a topic people begin to discuss.
Earlier, I posted a blog on how in-laws can affect your marriage. Refer to blog post, Marriage
Affects from In-Laws, for the first portion. In this post, I wanted to follow up with discussing
how one even begins setting boundaries. This can be applied to in-laws, but also to any
relationship in general. It can be difficult to know even where to start or who to begin setting
boundaries with in your life.
It can appear to be overwhelming and simply the idea of setting a
small boundary can prevent one from even walking down that path in any relationship in their
life. Just like anything in life, practice makes perfect and the hardest step is showing up and
beginning to walk in that direction. In order to provide some further confidence for you in this
area, I am going to discuss the process of setting boundaries in a step-by-step process.
First, you need to be able to reflect and identify what your needs or limits even are, in order for
you to be able to voice them and put them into practice.
Think about times when you didn’t
voice your need or let someone’s actions slide because you didn’t want to hurt their feelings.
Was there a need that you could have voiced and made clearer? If there was a time you felt
uncomfortable, think about the reason you were uncomfortable, in order to narrow down your
needs.
Now that you are able to identify your need or needs, you need to take the major step in
communicating your need in a clear and direct method. Don’t beat around the bush or try to
sugar coat it, simply state your need and be specific, using I statements as well. An example
would be, instead of “I didn’t like how that felt,” saying “I felt very uncomfortable when you
called me out in front of the family about my personal relationship issue. I told you about in private.” Make sure to clearly define how you feel and that will prevent the other person from
getting as defensive.
In order for boundaries to work, you have to be able to state them in a respectful way. Think of how you would want someone to speak to you about a boundary they want to place and how important the delivery is in the request. It is possible to express your boundary in a direct, specific way, without coming across as being rude and demanding.
The next step is being realistic with your expectations on how the other person will respond.
Setting new boundaries isn’t easy for you or for the other person receiving them. Change is
hard, even when it is needed for the better. Don’t be surprised if they push back or try to
challenge your boundary. They don’t have to like the boundary, but they do have to listen and
respect it. Make sure you continue to voice your need and be confident in your request. Don’t
allow the other person to change your mind. You are setting this boundary for yourself and to
have a better relationship with this person.
Lastly, continue to follow through with your boundary, especially when it becomes difficult. You
may want to go back to the old ways because it’s more comfortable, but remind yourself why
you wanted to set the boundary in the first place. You need to respect yourself enough to
follow through with the consequences if they cross a boundary. If you don’t follow through,
more likely than not, the person won’t take your boundary setting serious the next time you
state them. Setting a boundary is a continuous process in personal growth, but will get easy
over time. When you see the benefit of setting boundaries, you will have more confidence in
setting boundaries in the future.
For more information on boundaries setting with in-laws, check out Rachael’s other blog post
https://healingheartsofindy.com/5-ways-in-laws-can-affect-your-marriage/
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