How to Navigate Loneliness During The Holidays
Despite what we see in movies and commercials depicting this time of year, many people end up
spending important holidays alone. Some people don’t have a big support circle or have had to
go low/no-contact with their family. Others have jobs that require they work important
holidays (whether nationally recognized or not). And, some people have recently moved or lost
someone. It can be hard not to feel like the isolation is somehow tied to our worth as a person,
particularly if you’ve had to pull away from unhealthy circumstances.
The first thing to know is that your feelings, no matter what they are, are valid. However, valid
does not equal true. Something that my clients hear me say a lot is that while feelings are always
valid and always important, feelings are not facts. As someone with ADHD who has often
struggled with feeling like everyone hates me, I can tell you that while it felt true at the time it
absolutely was not true. But that doesn’t mean we should just shove those feelings aside.
Feelings are still communication and can help us understand ourselves and our needs. If you are
struggling with feeling as though you don’t matter, check in with yourself. What are you needing
in this moment that you can give yourself?
Many of our needs are tied to self-care. Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell you to draw a bubble
bath or get a manicure. While those can be completely valid forms of self-care, we’ve all read
the 200 articles that name those things. The self-care that often goes unmentioned are the more
basic tasks. There have been times when I’ve been getting into a bad headspace and realized that
I haven’t eaten anything all day.
If you feel yourself starting to spiral, run through an inventory.
Have I eaten something recently? Have I drank enough water? Have I taken any medications?
Have I moved my body in ways that feel good to me? Have I spent too much time on social
media today? Have I done something I enjoy? Have I gone outside and stood in the sunlight? (I
personally have the emotional constitution of a daisy. If I don’t get enough water and sunlight, I
start to wilt mentally.) While these things might not take the feelings away entirely, they often
alleviate the intensity of the feelings.
As humans our brains can convince us that if something is currently true it will always be true. If
I’m alone for this holiday it means I will always be alone. If I’m stuck in a job I hate I will
always be stuck in this job. If I don’t currently have a close circle of friends I will always be
without a close circle of friends.
What our brains forget is that they can’t predict the future and things are constantly changing. Something that helps me is taking steps to make those changes happen. If you have loved ones but had to spend the day working, text them about getting
together on another day. If you recently moved or find yourself without a friend group, look to
see if there are any meet up groups near you.
Check your local library to see if they are hosting
any events that strike your fancy. (A book club, a movie night, classes to learn new skills, your
local library has more than just books!) Check out the apps that are out now that work like dating
apps but for making friends. Just like with dating, not every person you meet will be your cup of tea (and vice versa!) but that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with either of you. It takes time and patience to find “your people”.
Holidays are a tough time to be alone, but it’s important to remember that it’s not a reflection of
your worth as a human being. Humans were built for community so it makes complete sense that
loneliness would be painful. Much of the loneliness and isolation we experience these days is
due to the way our society is set up and that isn’t something most of us have had much control
over. Our society’s obsession with individualism has resulted in a lack of communal care. The
flip side is communities often require a certain amount of conformity in order to stay “in” which
doesn’t allow people to thrive as themselves. Being seen and loved for who we are (while also
encouraged and supported in growth) is an important aspect of community that we lack.
You are worthy of love no matter how your society is structured. Take care of yourself during the holidays. Be gentle with any feelings that come up. If possible, engage in hobbies that bring you joy. As the wise woman once said, this too shall pass.
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