While the book by Evangelical pastor Gary Chapman is not based in any science and
has harmful ideas presented in it, the idea of Love Languages has become
commonplace in our culture. The 5 ways of giving and receiving love that Chapman
identified aren’t stagnant as he claims and can change depending on stages of life and
circumstances. However, they can be helpful ways to talk about our needs in a
relationship. The same is true for the 5 Neurodivergent Love Locutions. (A locution is a
word or expression characteristic of a region, group, or cultural level.) These are
emotional bids, or signals, that we need attention and connection in a relationship.
John Gottman, author of ‘The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work’, refers to bids as
“the fundamental unit of emotional connection”. These bids can be verbal or nonverbal
and can be big or small. They are a more subtle way of asking for connection in a way
that feels less vulnerable. Rejection Sensitivity is common for neurodivergent people,
making asking for connection feel even scarier than for people who are neurotypical.
What can these bids look like?
The first is called Penguin Pebbling. I have a dear friend who loves owls so when I see cute owl things when I’m out, I will either take a picture and send it to her or purchase it as a surprise. This is one form of penguin pebbling.
These can also take the form of sending someone memes on social media. The name
comes from the fact that penguins will bring pebbles to other penguins to show that they
care. The point is the person brings or sends someone else something small to indicate
wanting connection.
The second is Infodumping. People who are neurodivergent often have very specific
interests and will hyperfixate on those interests, sometimes to the point of becoming an
expert. A young girl I know loves koalas and can tell you all sorts of information about
them. She gets annoyed when people who make koala stuffed animals put tails on them
because “real koalas don’t have tails”. One of the ways she connects with people is by
sharing her koala knowledge with them.
The third type is Support Swapping. This involves providing support and
accommodations for each other when neurodivergent people are low on energy to
complete tasks. This can look like picking up groceries for someone one day and
another day, they come over and clean up your kitchen for you. People with disabilities
have fluctuating capacity even more so than able-bodied people and so helping each
other out when one person has low capacity and the other person has higher capacity is
a form of connection.
The fourth type is Deep Pressure (also known as “Please Crush My Soul Back Into My
Body”.) Deep pressure can take the form of a tight hug, helping someone get swaddled
up, or being under weighted blankets. This can help someone regulate their nervous
system and lower anxiety responses.
The fifth and final type is Parallel Play or Body Doubling. Parallel play is where people
are sharing a space but are each engaged in their own activities. It might look like they
aren’t truly spending time together but this is a way of being together without the
pressure of engaging with another person when our social capacity is low. Similar to this
is body doubling. This is a common one that people with ADHD need. Body doubling
can look like someone running errands with you or sitting and chatting with you while
you complete whatever Impossible Task is on your list such as washing dishes.
Do any of these resonate with you? You don’t have to be neurodivergent to appreciate
these bids for connection but if you are neurodivergent, odds are you engage in at least
one of these.
Learn More https://loveontheautismspectrum.com/neurodiverse-love-languages/
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