Growing up, my parents were my whole world. Their approval and reactions to my choices mattered the most. Eventually, my school teachers and friends joined my circle of intimacy. As a little girl, the approval of others helped mold my life choices. Pretty standard for a little kid. Enmeshment was normal for me, as it is for all children.However, enmeshment does not work in adulthood.Being a child has different requirements than adulthood. Enmeshment is not a healthy answer to understanding yourself or others.
What is enmeshment anyway? This word is used to describe behaviors that appear between couples or family members who risk losing their own identity byoverly investingin another person.The struggle isn’t obvious or havenegative connotations.Enmeshment can occur for years, beginning in childhood and last into adulthood. It is the opposite of self-differentiation.My parents taught me that going to college was the only option after high school. This enmeshment was okay with me asa child who needed guidance.I didn’t havenegative experiences with my parents’educational choices. But, I didn’t entertain possibly not going to college. A small price, in my opinion. Enmeshment can be negative and positive, depending on the relationship. But it can causean inabilityto self-differentiate.The experience of losing oneselfin personal relationships hasnegative effects.The gift of attempting to not enmesh and remain interdependent is gaining an understanding of your self, fully. To remain at the mercy of another person’s definition is a personalloss.Learning from your enmeshment helps you knowwho you are and gain trust in your own identity.
There are so many ways that people overly identify witha spouse or family member.Enmeshment in parenting can look like “helicopter” parents. Or parents who wish to be”friends” with children.Limited consequences and boundaries are the patterns and eventually children do not trust themselves or understand personal responsibility. Enmeshment could be occurring n this case when parents have a perceivedfearof being rejectedor abandoned by their children as they grow.
In the honey moon phase of dating or marriage, enmeshment allowsblinders, so that peopleremainoblivious toemotional issues in order to stay together. Being a human being meansbeing flawed and imperfect. Once enmeshment wears off,both people reveal a moretrue self to one another.It is during this time that enmeshment occurs for both partiesbecause the desire to remain in the fantasy phase of the relationship feels better than the real person they find next to them.This helps to maintaina false sense of security.Learning a healthy tolerance for flawed intimacy and brokenness helps discourage enmeshing.Self-differentiation feels much better and allows a more solid relationship for the long haul. Why? Because self-differentiation can allow forreal resolution throughtruth.
If your sense of who you are is definedby judgments or actions of others, then you are experiencing enmeshment. Over investment in others and less investment in yourself.Maintaining an understanding of your needs, separate from others, and having appropriate boundaries can help you maintaina steady and healthyrelationship with yourself and then others.
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