I am a Mom
Who has not experienced child birth
Who does not know what its like to send her child off to school
Or watch my baby sleep
I am a Mom without children
Reading to my baby, outside under the leaves
Running in the yard, playing around the trees
Singing lullabies as they drift off to sleep
Comforting when they cry
I imagine rocking my baby
I have love to give to my unborn child
Nurturing, caring, worry, and love.
At times, this love feels directionless and without purpose.
So I share my love with myself
I give it to my family
My loved ones
I share what I have or can do with others
I offer what little I know
Because the world becomes my child
I watch as community women foster motherless children, sharing whatever they have
I think to myself:
“I too have arms to rock the baby, to hold the baby, to carry the baby.”
“I too have food and shelter to provide safety, security, and nourishment for the baby.”
“I have gifts for the baby. Just within my small self, I have love to give to motherless children.”
As my sadness settles back into me, I think:
“I am a childless mother and this is what I grieve.”
I grieve what I could not have as I had envisioned. My vision is different from reality. I carry my grief, knowing I am able and yet, unable at the same time. I am also able and willing…..I have hope!”
Hope is knowing my needs can be met in another’s needs. Can be beneficial to another and I take this moment to teach my grief about love and hope, where love and despair can collide. To share a space where loss can be used for loving.
Even when I feel a loss…..there is H*O*P*E.