Do you really feel your feelings? Do you allow yourself to feel the depths of your emotions? My guess is, probably not. There is a lot at stake!! If you allow yourself to be open and feel the full extent of your feelings, you might feel crazy, out of control, or be faced with some decisions you need to make about your life that you aren’t ready to face!
Most of us didn’t learn how to feel and express our emotions. A lot of times our feelings weren’t convenient for our parents, siblings, friends, etc., so we learned to suppress them. So when they start to come up later in life, they are so powerful that our instinct is to keep them inside and tightly controlled. It makes sense, until . . . .
Picture a full 2 liter Coke bottle. The carbonation represents your feelings. Everything is fine as long as it goes undisturbed. But if you shake it up, it bubbles up and we all know what is going to happen if we try to open it – it all gushes out at once! Your feelings are the same way. You keep them stuffed down inside and all is well until you go to try to express some strong feelings, then they all start coming out at once! You are just as overwhelmed and confused as the person you are expressing those feelings to! And they are messy, aren’t they?
The point is, that it is supremely important for us to allow ourselves to feel our feelings. Why don’t we? Because it is a scary, uncontrolled and messy process. If you want a healthy, free, and peaceful life and good relationships, however, you’re going to have to let your emotions come out!
Start by identifying your emotions. Most of us know only about 3 – 5 emotions . . . sad, angry, happy, and hurt or disappointed. Get a list of emotions and learn how to identify and articulate exactly what you are feeling to yourself and others.
Second, find a safe place to express your feelings. Go off alone and let yourself cry as long and hard as you want to. To express anger, throw a phone book on the floor or slam a pillow onto a bed as many times as you need to. Yell. Scream. Cuss. Do whatever you need to do (safely) to get it out. Journal, not in a fancy book with eloquent handwriting, but bang it out on the computer with all of the accompanying crying necessary. Find a safe confidant who won’t problem-solve, rescue, tell you what you should feel, or otherwise. Find someone who is stable enough to let you feel whatever you need to feel and to validate that it is normal for you to feel the way you feel. (Note, they shouldn’t necessarily encourage you to put those feelings into action, especially if they are destructive feelings!)
Finally, have courage to know this is a scary and messy process. You don’t get to control it. You are going to have to let yourself lose control, which will be mighty uncomfortable for those of you who always need a game plan. (Note: if you tend to get so dark that you feel suicidal or homicidal, be sure to do this with someone who will keep you safe!)
My coolest example of this is a client who screamed, cried, punched the steering wheel, and generally let himself lose control for 3 hours after he left my office one day. He later told me he felt 10 pounds lighter for the rest of the day afterwards. He came in the next week asking when he could cry like that again!
Don’t let your emotions stay locked up inside of you. Gain control of yourself and your emotions by letting go and letting yourself feel the messy, unstructured, out of control world of your inner-most feelings. It is a wonderful gift to yourself!!
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