Do you know how to get your needs met? Quite honestly, most people don’t, at least by my observation! And this creates a population of needy, desperate, and unhappy people!!
So how do you get your needs met in a healthy way? FIRST you have to understand that meeting your needs is YOUR responsibility. A big problem that we have is that we assign this responsibility to everyone else around us. Early in our romantic relationships it is easy for our partner to fill our needs because they are spending a lot of time and energy trying to do so. When the balance gets back to normal, however, we start to feel empty and we blame our partner! Once we accept that our needs are our responsibility, it takes some of the pressure off of the relationship and makes it easier for our partner to meet some of our needs!
SECONDLY, you have to know what you need. What I find with my clients is that most people are woefully out of touch with their own needs. If we have assigned that job to someone else, then we don’t have to think about it any more. If YOU don’t know what it is that you need, though, then how will your partner know? We have to be in touch with our own feelings and know what it is that we need! The next time you feel unsatisfied, ask yourself what you are feeling. Let’s say you feel lonely. Then ask yourself what you need. Maybe you need to be with people or need some connection time with your spouse. Ok. So then ask yourself how you can get that need met.
THIRDLY, you are going to have to ASK to get your needs met. Yes. I said ASK. I know it is not romantic and it doesn’t feel quite as good, but you need to be able to ask to get your needs met. The “If my spouse loved me, he/she would . . .(fill in the blank)” garbage doesn’t work! You are the only one who knows what you are feeling, what you need and when you need it! Asking your spouse to guess is like playing pin the tail on the donkey and usually both parties feel frustrated and unsatisfied!
FINALLY, you have to be able to meet your own needs. To some of you, this will sound very lonely and unromantic and I understand that. I promise you, however, that this is a vital step that is often missed. There will not always be someone available to meet your needs. You have to be able to meet them yourself at least minimally! Can you be alone? Can you be a friend to yourself? Can you enjoy your own company? We are so programmed to look to our spouse, friends, parents, children to meet our needs that we feel lost when an occasion arises where we need to meet our own!
Your “Need Tank” is your responsibility. Learn what it takes to fill it and learn how to fill it yourself. Anything anyone deposits on top of that will feel wonderful and you will finally stop feeling desperate and needy and start feeling fulfilled!