Judging, Right or Wrong
By: Javan
January 13, 2013

How many colors can you see in this picture? How many shades, variances, and subtleties? Your judgement is unique to you and there is no one else like you. Each person is a complex individual, designed in their own special mold. Everyone’s situation is different even if the details might be similar. Judging, comparing, or shaming,  provides little movement towards obtaining intimacy, closeness, or resolution. Judging a situation or scenario can be beneficial in helping you decide how you feel. Judging is a normal human experience, but it is not the only purpose of the experience. There is much personal knowledge to gain about yourself. Being right or wrong, fighting a right wrong battle with your loved one never results in two people who experience love, support, understanding, or acceptance. Inevitably, there is a loser and a winner in a right, wrong type of argument.

right-wrong Critical or shaming judgement provides little purpose in relationship recovery. In therapy, the purpose of addressing or noticing shame (the tendency to judge oneself or others) is to help move judgement into another stage of personal insight. This is a place where your heart and mind can have deeper understanding of why and how you think and what you believe. Judging, feeling hurt, criticizing, feeling anger, feeling unsafe….these are all parts of the human mind that say “this is so uncomfortable for me, I need to respond in a defensive posture.” Everyone is able to know what they like and don’t like about everything. Opinions are everywhere. Judgements help us to discern and discriminate. This is normal. Some of the discernment is about knowing yourself, knowing what makes you tick, and what makes you feel happy. This is healthy and normal. But there are times that we can use this judgement to become stuck in a position that doesn’t allow for flexibility, so we can see another perspective within ourselves.

This response or reaction happens with painful scenarios in relationship issues; like feeling abandoned, feeling betrayed, feeling lonely, etc.  Judgement can sound like “That’s wrong” or “That’s not right!” These are normal human responses. Being normal doesn’t mean we’ve reached a place of feeling empowered enough to make a change. Shaming or criticizing a situation or person for their choices will rarely bring about the recovery for yourself and the person involved. Moving beyond this initial reaction is about recognizing that this reaction is based in the primal brain. This can make us become overly defensive, ugly, and unempowered.        right-wrong-2

The primal brain is simply about survival. Informing us about how a situation influences us. If something is drawing a powerful reaction from you, then this situation is triggering important responses that exist within you. It’s not relevant whether this response is how everyone else handles it or doesn’t handle it. That may be comforting to know, but it’s not the end of the story.

There’s much more to learn about yourself, the situation, and the people involved. Take the time to understand what you’re experiencing, hold yourself responsible for your feelings (they belong to you and are important), and understand what outcome you wish to have…just being right never stops anyone from having hurtful experiences. That’s why it’s important to move beyond the judgement you’re holding against yourself or someone else. Being able to say, “It is what it is” can be helpful to see a broader perspective. Remember, you are a uique complex individual…..comparing yourself to others might be helpful at times, but it’s not the whole story.

I hope that 2013 brings about the peace and relief you seek. “Be the change you wish to see in the world” is a great and purpose filled saying! Changing the painful experience within yourself makes you capable of changing your world experience. Healing doesn’t occur inside of anger and judgement. Recognizing that you have the power to move forward is part of the healing.