The pattern of losing trust with people begins early in our lives, regardless of whether or not your childhood was a safe and loving one or one of trauma and abuse. The breaking of trust begins when we learn to mask our true beliefs and feelings early in life as we go to school, are criticized at home, or see others get criticized. Life experiences tell us what is safe and what is not, it is natural to be focused on survival. How conflict is handled in the relationship, sets the tone for everyone in the relationship. Feelings of fear, rejection, judgement, even love or hate, can be triggered if conflict is too great or avoided.
What is important is what is NOT being said. What APPEARS to be important is what people say in reactivity to one another. Either way, it isn’t the truth of a person’s internal pain or neediness. These are masks and defenses we have created in order to address whatever we are wanting to keep secret or private. If you are keeping your needs a secret, no one can reach out and offer what you need, because it is unknown. Therefore the cycle of neediness and emptiness continues among couples and families. If we lowered our defenses, we would reveal our true selves.