Are you too needy? Most of us would never admit to such a thing, yet we all have a little clinginess in us. How do you know when you are too needy in a relationship?
Here are some signs you might be too needy/too reliant on others . . .
- Want to spend all of your spare time with someone.
- Get anxious being alone.
- Use anger or guilt to manipulate the other person into spending time with you.
- Blame your partner for your misery.
- Constantly assessing the relationship to see if it is going to make it or not.
- Much of your energy and thoughts are consumed by them (thinking about them, calling, texting, planning time together, wondering why they aren’t calling you, etc.)
- Keep your plans loose “in case” they become available.
- Feel jealous of their other relationships.
- Other people get kicked to the curb when you begin a new relationship.
- Very small or no real circle of friends to fall back on.
Most people are not even aware that they are doing these things. We all want to believe that we are healthy, but if indeed you are too needy, you are probably hearing from your love interest that they feel suffocated or need space.
Why Are We Too Needy?
Abandonment drives an excessive need for someone else to fill us up. When we rely too heavily on others to get our needs met, we develop a desperate dependence on them. As a child, we are supposed to get a healthy balance of meeting our own needs (autonomy) and getting our needs met through others (healthy connection). If we didn’t learn this balance as a child, we are often looking too heavily to our mate to do that for us as an adult.
Over-neediness puts a lot of pressure on our relationships! As long as our mindset remains that our needs are someone else’s responsibility, we will be at their mercy. We will constantly feel victimized by the other person and may even frequently lash out at the ones we love!
Our constant pursuit to fill ourselves up through someone else will eventually drive others away. They begin to feel obligated to spend time with us, feel like they can never fill us up, and we may even appear like a burn victim, i.e., everything hurts . . . even the good. This makes time spent together fraught with anxiety for the other person and they may begin to avoid us!
Being overly needy isn’t the end of the world. If you don’t recognize it and deal with it, however, it will make relationships very difficult for you! As long as you are looking to someone else to fill you up, you will always be left wanting! We have to learn how to meet our own needs. Learn who you are without your partner. Learn how to be alone, learn to meet your own needs, and how to have a life outside of your partner. Learn to tolerate a little distance in your relationships. If you can’t stand on your own two feet outside of a relationship, you will never find peace in a relationship!