One marital myth that I think many people hear about is that once you get married, you stop having sex. This marital myth or fact is a little bit harder to answer because this can be really different for each couple. I have couples I have worked with that sex does not seem to be one of their bigger issues, but I would have to say if I looked at this topic across the board many marriages do struggle in the sex department. The reason that the sex decreases is different though than what many people may think it may be. It is not always because the woman just “loses interest” or that she feels like she doesn’t need to have sex with him now that she “has him.” Lack of sex in a relationship is generally a symptom of deeper issues going on.
One of the deeper issues in marriage that can greatly affect the sexual relationship is resentment. If resentment is being built by one person in the marriage, it can greatly affect how connected they are to the other person or how attracted they are to that person. And let’s face it, does someone really desire having sex with someone they have a huge wall of resentment between! No, and the scariest part of resentment is one person can have a ton of it and the other spouse may have no idea. They start to feel as if their spouse is “just holding out on them” or using “sex as a weapon.” They then will often start to build their own wall of resentment. The higher the walls of resentment are generally the lower the emotional and physical intimacy.
Another deeper issue that affects sex in a marriage is addiction. Any kind of addiction can greatly decrease sex. Work, alcohol, sex, drugs are several that I see often. To be an addict it takes a lot of time and energy to get and keep your drug of choice. Often there is little time left, and it is not generally spent on building physical or emotional intimacy. If you are addicted to something you cannot be present and connected in your marriage in a healthy way. This will definitely decrease the sexual relationship.
If you are overly connected with another person it can affect your marriage and your sex life. The obvious would be in the example of an affair, but people can be overly connected with their jobs, children, parents, or anyone else. If they are enmeshed and to overly connected in other areas of their life, again it does not leave the time and energy needed to create a healthy marital connection that is needed for a healthy sex life.
If your sex life is not where you want it, chances are there are deeper issues going on that need to be worked on before the sex will get better. Lack of sex is often a symptom, not the bigger problem. Often once a couple starts working on the deeper problem, the sex life will start to improve some on its own!