Do you find yourself thinking any of the following?
- I have to prove myself to others
- I have to hide who I am on this inside to others
- I can’t handle my insecurities
- I feel guilty and burdened too much of the time
- My addictions keep me feeling ashamed
- I am angry and disappointed most of the time
- I wish others would like me
- My children aren’t good enough
- I’m not good enough
- I’m not worthy of love
- I’m unlovable
These are shame based thoughts. There is hope! Shame can be learned from and is not meant to be avoided. Shame can be used as a tool to learn more about yourself and how you interact with others. Like the last blog, where I explained how anxiety is not meant to be avoided, but rather is an indicator to you that something needs further investigation. Shame can be used the same way. It is healthy and normal to feel shame as children and as adults. It’s like having a brain that says, “Uh oh, I don’t think I was supposed to do that” or “I think this felt hurtful to someone, but I’m not sure.” Children do not have a concept of influencing others until around age seven.
Being unable to apologize could be based 0n childhood experiences where outside consequences were harsh or shameful. Such judgement can cripple or stunt the process of what shame or guilt is meant to accomplish. Adults who do not show guilt or compassion have, at some point, learned that it is unsafe to reveal or acknowledge this part of themselves to others. Parental styles that are “shaming” or critical make it unsafe for children to make mistakes and contribute to the fear of apologizing or showing compassion for poor choices. Children learn that there is a great cost to making mistakes. Without making mistakes, we cannot grow, we cannot try, we learn that failure is not acceptable. Failure happens more than success, so having success means we had to fail sometimes. Being a critical parent or spouse means sending the message that a person’s value or worth is based on their actions. This is a painful lesson to learn. A person’s worth is not based in their behaviors. A person’s worth is ALWAYS valuable, always!
No matter how poor a choice we make, we are still a person. A person deserving of patience, time, understanding, love, and compassion. Anger, critical comments, or over reactivity based in fear all send the message that certain choices make us bad people. This causes people to become afraid of failing. Failure can mean disappointing a spouse through many different actions. Some can be affairs, arguing, addictions, abandonment, perfectionism, shaming, etc.
Addressing the issue, the choice, or the behavior is different from addressing the person’s worth. “You ARE terrible, a liar, a cheat, a bad person, no good, lazy, etc” are over reactive, critical comments that stops a person from listening. If a child or person is feeling shame or guilt about a behavior, it’s a learning moment. A teaching moment to learn something about life. This moment can be used to understand why the shameful or guilty feelings exist, what purpose is this feeling serving, and what to do with it. Having patience and understanding in this process can bring about change, understanding, and healing. In the end, hopefully a better choice can be made. Otherwise, if more shame is dumped onto a person who is already feeling shame, the process can become short circuited without relief to anyone inside the situation or conflict.
As adults, how we handle shame influences our relationships. If you find yourself being overly critical of others, are shaming yourself based on some expectation, or if you feel like everyone else has everything going on and you do not, you are experiencing shame.
Feeling shame has wide and broad meanings to each of us. We can mistakenly project the anger we have against ourselves onto others because of shame. Being more humble and honest about our shame unburdens us and can bring healing and closeness in our relationships.
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