The Dumpit List
By: Christy Aloisio
June 8, 2010


Everyone has heard of the bucket list, but I’m here to present you with the dumpit list. Dating after a divorce or breakup can be overwhelmingly intimidating for people. Not only do you have to fear, “I haven’t done this for so long,” but generally people have decreased self-esteem and question their ability to be in a relationship due to having “failed” at the last one. Many people feel desperate for attachment and intimacy after divorce and their eyes are not open of what they really need in a relationship. Having a dumpit list can assist you in being objective and open your eyes to the real qualities and compatibility of the people you date.
The dumpit list is simply a list of qualities that you want in your partner. I recommend the list be at least 10 qualities, but I have seen lists up to 40 items. Only you can decide what qualities are important to you, but don’t sell yourself short. The list can include anything from physical appearance, education, age, children, sense of humor, or to be able to talk on a deep emotional level. Your list should include a wide array of traits that are important to you.
Many people tend to dive into relationships quickly when starting to date after a traumatic breakup. This list is designed to keep your eyes open and decide if each relationship is worth pursuing. After a few dates you should be able to start noticing qualities that your dates may or may not have. Of course some of the qualities may not be traits that you can see until a relationship progresses, but if your date is only meeting 3 of your 10 traits, and you know they do not meet 5 of them, dump them! This sounds harsh, but are you willing to waste time pursuing a relationship that with a person that you know does not meet your needs? It is not only wasting your time, but theirs as well, and the deeper you get into a relationship the harder and more hurtful it is to end it. You most likely will still be healing from the pain of your last relationship and may be trying to hold onto something that just is not there. People tend to feel at this point, they may not meet anyone better so they might as well hold on to this relationship. I assure you, there is someone out there that will meet your qualities and selling yourself short will only create a disconnected relationship or another bad breakup in the future.
For codependent individuals this list can serve another purpose. Codependent people, especially after the end of a relationship, tend to have lower self esteem and question their worth as a person. This can also lead to rushing into a bad relationship. By simply pulling out the list and looking at it occasionally, it can be a subtle reminder of what kind of relationship you want and deserve. Look at the list and remember, you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who has the qualities you desire in an ideal partner.
Some call the list superficial. There is nothing superficial about knowing what you want and not allowing yourself to be in a relationship that is anything less. It is empowering to go into dating with open eyes and a guide to steer you in the right direction. Be with a partner who meets your needs, make your dumpit list today!