These past few weeks I’ve been in a position to witness one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen. A marriage destroyed by addiction. Oh, sure, marriages get destroyed by addiction all the time, so why is this one in particular so sad? Perhaps because, from my viewpoint, this marriage had every element necessary for success. The couple did the work – in the counselor’s office, working through the rough spots at home. Working at their relationship had become a way of life. They knew and understood the concept of loving the little child inside of their mate. They had learned to really hear each other. They loved and truly cared about each other. They enjoyed spending time together. They’d been, almost literally, to hell and back more than once, but they were doing it! They were going to make it! They were happy and looking forward to spending the rest of their days together – or so it seemed.
This couple did everything we, as marriage counselors, ask for – except deal with the addiction that plagued their relationship. He tried to hide it, but each time she stumbled upon something and confronted him, she would back down in the face of his defensiveness and anger (typical of addiction). She feared pushing him on the issue would realize her greatest fear – that he would leave her (typical of the codependent). She covered for him. No one in their circle knew of the multiple incidents, not even the children, so his only accountability was to her – and she and her paralyzing fear were no match against the power of an addiction.
With each occurrence and the searing pain that ensued, the wife got stronger – while he slowly descended back into his haze of denial. The last time it occurred, he was confronted by a mature, grown woman, not a terrified, skittish child. Now he is alone in his house, full of sorrow, remorse, and shame, turning over every stone trying to figure out how to reverse the decade of damage. The thing he wanted more than anything, the fulfillment he sought through his addiction, was to be loved. And the person who knew him better than anyone and truly loved him, just walked out the door – for the very last time.
He didn’t mean to hurt anyone, he was simply killing his pain. Pain he refused to acknowledge. Hell-bent in his determination to do it his way, now their dreams of enjoying grandchildren together are shot. The excitement of discovering where their lives would lead with an empty nest – destroyed. Their kids now have awkward encounters between divorced parents at weddings, graduations, births, etc. to look forward to. Gone are the plans for travel in their retirement years. But the saddest part? Two people who really loved each other were so crippled by their issues that they couldn’t prevent this unnecessary tragedy. Too much damage had been done, and somebody had to call it. The cost? She lost the love of her life. He lost his best friend.
I have written about the importance of working on our own issues. I have nearly yelled at people in my office, “Do something NOW, while she still wants to spend time with you!” But the twisted logic of unhealthy thinking will insist its way is better. As a counselor, I know the truth. There is nothing I, or anyone else, could say or do to convince them otherwise. Experience is the indeed the best teacher, and losing everything is sometimes the only way to learn. And every time I see it, it is the saddest thing I have ever seen.
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