Communication
“I know he doesn’t care….it doesn’t matter if he says he does!”
Many times a week, couples will say theyare having communication issues. When I probe deeper,asking the question about conflict and how often the couple argues, the answer is usually “Oh, we never fight, I mean we don’t yell or anything, we just have trouble communicating.” Or sometimes the answer is, “I can’t say anything without it turning into a huge argument!”
Either way, couples decide there is a communication issue. Communicating is not the onlyissue.The issue is notbeing able to be understood and have your needs met.Therefore,problems remain unresolved whether you are a fighter or a non-communicator.
My client “Mary”describesher partner asbeing unempatheticor cold, showing little concern for her needs. She describes her husband asexpressionless, cold, and translates this asnot caring about her issues or her feelings.Mary tendsto translate her worth or value of her concerns with her husband’s response or lack of response. Mary doesn’t feel a connection to her husband when he doesn’t share his feelings. Shethen moves on from the topic she wished to discuss, into feeling abandonment,guilt, shame, and maybe other negative feelings about herself.The connectionMary is desperatelyseeking is affecting her abilityor inability to have her needs met.Mary feels hurt, shut down, and resentful, then finds herself in a similar situation several times in her marriage throughout the month.
Maryismaking anassumption about herself, the importance of her issues, and her husband’s intentions. Based on her expectations, Mary isunableto have her needs met by her husband.In session, she asks how her husband could love her when hedoesn’trespond to her with emotion.She feels jealous, insecure, and envious when she sees himlaughing or smiling when interacting with others.Perhaps there is somethinggoing onwithin Mary. Her husband clearly is closing downwhen Mary needs him. It would be a mistake in understandinganything about Mary’s husband if we just label him as a jerk, unfeeling coward. Heis not those things. He is clearly capable of some emotion, but the interaction in the marriage is not expressive of that to Mary.
When Mary believes and trusts what she is feeling, she will bea little less reactive, blaming, and shaming to her husband when she needs him.Being critical with a smile on your face still feels like criticism. After years of being reminded how disappointed Mary is in her husband, her husband doesn’t have any otherresponse except defensiveness, that is why he seems cold or shut down, he’s being protective of himself from hercriticism.Sharing when you trust and believe in yourself diminishessome of the alienating feelings your spouse could have around your criticism.Strong feelings around heated topics can escalate either into huge arguments or intense shut down or cut-off, leaving spouses feeling abandoned. Either way, it is not merely a communication issue, but a matter of self-worth, childhood woundings replaying over again, and managing intimacy in a marriage that will always have ups and downs.
Mary often points to her husband as causing her pain, when Mary is the one who is the mostpowerful in re-enacting her childhood pain with her husband. She comes from a background where she experienced negative body image issues,perfectionism, and shame due to her family issues. Althoughshe felt loved by her family, she cannot remain on a solidplatformthat allows her to trust her own feelings without validation from her husband. Simply statedwhile working on your own issues and understanding your partner,even the most painful circumstances can bring aboutchallenging opportunities. Because no situation is about anyone else except you. Itis the only personyou can change.If your partner is built or wired a certain way that is challenging for you it doesn’t mean you can tell them to change.The lessonis to work out your inner struggles, then yourcommunicationwill becomestrengthened. You will carry yourself as trustworthy and safe!When you arechallenged, see it as an opportunity to learn about yourself. After all, you chose your opponent!
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