What’s At The Heart of YOUR Marital Issues?
By: Kathy
May 6, 2012

Do you know what’s at the heart of your marital issues?  What I’m talking about are the core issues, the deep fears and insecurities buried inside you and your spouse.  If you don’t know yourselves or each other well enough to be in tune with what’s really going on down under the surface, you will have a hard, hard time resolving any conflicts or feeling any relief in your relationship!  Let’s look at the 3 layers of a dispute. . .

CONTENT  –  This is the basic idea of what a couple fights about, i.e., whatever happened that started the feelings and led to a fight.  It is the exchange of each others’ perspective of what happened (note: our perspectives are tainted by our core issues).  These are just words exchanging facts and details about what happened or didn’t happen.  Generally, neither party feels heard so both use more and more words to “prove their case” about what they feel and they get nowhere!

PROCESS These are the methods a couple uses to maneuver their way to resolution in an argument.   “UNHEALTHY process” includes things like defensiveness, anger, yelling, cut-off, interrupting, name calling, minimizing, self-deprecation, bringing up old hurts, etc.  “HEALTHY process” includes hearing each other out, validating each others’ feelings, being able to put your own feelings aside in order to hear your spouse’s, etc.  Here’s a little secret:  whichever type you choose determines whether you’ll reach a resolution!

The core issues are what each of you keep coming back to in nearly every painful situation you encounter!  Each person’s core issue is based on what wounds they sustained early in their life – fears and insecurities like, “I’m a bad person” or “I’m not good enough”, or “I’m going to get abandoned”, or “People don’t like me”.  Most people have no idea that these messages are burning down deep inside of them and are driving everything they are doing and saying in an argument.

If you don’t know what your core issues are, you are going to have a hard time getting the love you want in your life.  If your spouse doesn’t know theirs, they are going to have a rough time, too.  If neither of you know your core issues, you’re in serious trouble!
To know what is at the heart of your marital issues, you have to know yourself and your spouse has to know themself really well, too.  This takes some time and personal reflection to figure it out.  Without someone to help gently guide you down into the scary dark waters below the surface, you may never discover what the core issues are!   When the core issues are known, however, you can quickly and easily get right to the heart of each others’ feelings and, not only will you be able to resolve conflicts more easily, you will be able to love and be loved the way you were meant to be!!

If you want to begin the amazing discovery process, call me.  It will open up a whole new world for you!