There was a story of two men in ancient times of walled off cities. One man left his city and went on a trek seeking a better life. He arrived at a new city’s gates and asked the woman what the city was like. She asked him, “What was the city you came from like?” He responded, “It was full of evil and treachery, darkness and distrust.” The woman said, “That’s what you will find here, too.”
Meanwhile a man from another city came along and asked the lady, “What is your city like?” Again, she responded by saying, “What was the city you came from like?” He said, “Oh, it was beautiful and the people were kind, generous, honorable, and trustworthy.” The woman said, “That’s what you will find here, too.”
What a great story to state such a simple truth – wherever you go, there you are. It is so common in the therapy world to hear clients lamenting “if onlys”. If only my spouse would. . ., if only my boss would. . ., if only I could . . . , if only, if only, if only. In my world, however, I have seen the back side of that ‘if only’ coin far too many times. Unfortunately, our troubles seem to find us wherever we go – not because we are cursed, but because we are part of the problem!
I have seen clients who have cheated on their spouse. The sun rose and set with the new fling. The new fling could do no wrong, they were perfect. Yet when they leave their spouse and marry the new fling, suddenly the same problems begin to surface. Same thing happens when one marital partner can find nothing but fault with their spouse. Once divorced, the happiness they were so certain awaited them outside of the marriage can’t be found. In both cases, the problem was not the spouse, the problem was them!
Our deepest fears plague our most precious relationships. If you are constantly looking for your spouse to be disappointed in you, you will find disappointment in their face. If you are always on the lookout for signs that your mate doesn’t love you, you will find evidence of their lack of love. If you are persistently scanning the radar for anger in your mate, you will find anger. If you are always watching out for cut-off, you will find ways in which your partner is cutting off from you. And if you are highly sensitive to criticism from your loved one, you will find criticism in their words, body language, actions, text messages, or even their breathing.
The point here is that we PROJECT our deepest fears onto our partners and then make our partners pay for it – whether they committed the offense or not. And when we project our deepest fears, pains and insecurities onto other people, not surprisingly, we find what we are looking for. If I am ramped up trying to get my partner to admit that they are angry, for example, you can bet I’m going to drive them to anger. We reap what we sow.
The trick to growing out of this way of life is to learn that YOU are part of the problem. You are not a victim of your dark, treacherous city. You helped build it, my friend! What is your city like? Find what wounded you in your childhood and heal that wound. Only then, can you quit running from city to city and find peace right where you are!
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