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Expectations… Seems like such a simple word, but the implications of expectations are huge. I hear about expectations pratically everyday. “She didn’t meet my expectations!” “I had expectations of how this weekend was going to go, and it did not go that way.” “I expected he would do that for me and he did not.” I’m sure many of us have said one of these statements at one time or another. What we don’t realize is that our expectations not getting met is just as much about us as our partner.
Expectations have so many different pieces, lets break it down. The first piece of getting your expectations met in life and relationships is making sure that people know what your expectations are! This sounds so simple, but it is not practiced in our relationships. I had a man in my office the other day and his main complaint was that his wife had not met the expectations he had for the weekend. He had been working a lot, and the only day he had off to spend time with his wife was Saturday. So, in his mind he had this wonderful day planned out. They had to go to a graduation party and then were going out for dinner. In his head he pictured that on the drive to the party, they would have wonderful conversation. Then at the party they would have a great time together and then again have wonderful converstation on the way out to dinner. The day was going to be connected and great in his mind.
Well needless to say the day did not go quite that well. His wife suffers from abandonment issues. She starts to disconnect and pull away when she feels abandoned. A lot of these issues were coming up for her because her husband had been working so much. She was feeling abandoned and disconnected. It is not easy for her to just “check back in.” She needs some time with her husband before she can really start to feel close and connected again. She was quiet on the drive to the party. By the time they got to the party he was upset and hurt that his day was not going as planned. So as she tried to warm up and get more connected with her husband, he was pulling more away because his expectations were not being met. She was able to sense his pulling away and instead of trying to connect, she pulled the other way. Needless to say this day was a disaster and was the subject of our meeting for that week. When he started he said, “she did not meet my expectations,” I thought she might jump out of her chair. “I didn’t know you had expectations of me!” She’s right! She had no idea her husband had a vision of a picture perfect day in his head, so she had no possible way of meeting this expectation of his day because she did not even know the expectation existed!
Again, this concept sounds obvious and simple, but trust me, it is not. It is something I hear on a daily basis. I have had more than one client tell me, “he should know what I expect and need.” Maybe in a perfect world that would be true, but relationships are far from perfect. So even though you may spend a lot of time trying to figure out what your partner may need before they even figure out what they need, does not mean they will do the same. We are all different people! Ask for what you need and expect, you may be surprised at what you get! If the husband in the previous scenerio would have made his expectations clear, his day may have gone completely different. Just because our partner can not mind read our mind does not mean they are unwilling to meet our expections. Say them loud and clear!