Defensiveness: When individuals feel attacked or misunderstood they often act out in ways to protect themselves. Many individuals get defensive when they are feeling criticized or blamed. When we get defensive we essentially take that blame and put it on the other person. A Better Understanding of Defensiveness: I… [Read More]
The Pain Of Projection
I recently got a vivid reminder of the power – and pain – of projection. Projection is when you project your worst beliefs or fears about yourself onto someone else and believe that the other person actually feels that way. Think of a slide projector – if the slide in… [Read More]
Turtles vs. Hailstorms – Part 1
I’m going to do a little three-part segment on an analogy that I learned a long time ago in a therapist training with Harville Hendrix, the author and creator of Imago Relationship Therapy. It is the analogy of the Turtle and the Hailstorm, and how they get into relationships with… [Read More]
The Valley Of The Shadow
Folks come to my office asking for counsel on all kinds of things. Anger issues, help with communication, depression, anxiety, marital problems, trauma or addiction recovery…the list goes on and on. When it really comes down to it though, everyone who sits on my couch really wants one thing: to… [Read More]
Violent Communication
Do you use violent ways to communicate? I don’t mean physically hurting someone (although we certainly don’t want that, either!) What I’m talking about are ways that we communicate that stop the conversation from moving forward and get us off track when a disagreement arises. Violent communication are words and… [Read More]
If I Could Give Each Person Just One Gift
If I could give each person just one gift, it would be the gift of being able to truly see themselves through the eyes of the people around them. It would be a sobering gift, for sure. And it would require a great deal of humility and stabilizing self-talk to… [Read More]
Why Won’t My Husband Listen to Me?
One of the common complaints I hear in my office when someone first comes to see me is “My husband does not hear me!” Okay, so let’s be honest that it is not always the wife that feels this way, there are often times that a husband does not feel… [Read More]
Marital Fact or Fiction: Our Issue is Communication
One marital myth that I hear quite often in my office is that the root of most marital issues is trouble with communication. It is not uncommon for couples to come in seeking help with their communication issues. Couples feel that if they could just get their partner to better… [Read More]
What’s Missing In Marriage?
What is a common missing ingredient in the couples that frequent my office? It is present in the beginning of a relationship. We heap it on and lavish our new love with it. Then, as our time together lengthens, it begins to fade and, in fact, morphs into it’s ugly… [Read More]
Is Emotional Cut-Off Damaging Your Relationships?
Is emotional cut-off damaging your relationships? Maybe it is, but you don’t even realize that you are doing it! Emotional cut-off is an all too common, primitive mechanism we use to deal with a mass of pain that we can’t handle. It is both unhealthy and ineffective as it temporarily… [Read More]
